


is close the closest star?

by empaten02



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Depression, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Slow Burn, Smut, Therapy, Unknown Setting, healing process, healing writing, jaemin is the best boyfriend, jeno focus, side dotae - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:59:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28038804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empaten02/pseuds/empaten02
Summary: “My car is warmer, and you’ll have a guaranteed seat”. Neve stops to sniff the perfect spot on the ground leaving her own mark. Jeno grimaces when she dips her nose where other dogs most definitely peed before. He mentally marks to clean her as soon as they get home.Jaemin chuckles, biting the inside of his cheek. “In June it was the aircon, you know how to keep me”.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 71





	is close the closest star?

Jeno steps the cold grass, wet with raindrops sticking to his ankles as if they’re trying to not be alone surrounded by the wood’s silence. He should stop wearing those worn out sweatpants too short for his now too long legs. Maybe if it was dry, grass blades would tickle his skin and he’ll have to stop and scratch his legs. His dog whines and pulls at his hand holding the leash, realizing he’s been spacing out, again.

“Sorry Neve”.

It’s even lonelier up here, the friendly old neighbor sometimes commenting how big and strong he got nowhere in sight, leaving the houses he looks over like empty boxes, ghosts of a family warmth he’s sure is inside hiding from the terrible weather. Too early in the morning for Jeno to be walking alone in the cathartic mass of green; he rolled out of bed, awake, fidgety to be caught by sleep. Another sleepless night.

It might start to rain soon, he should be quicker with his walk, humidity rising with a biting cold inside his coat. The sad trees are yellowish with the colors of fall, it’s not a vibrant one, burnt and screaming of a past where they looked beautiful, made for birds to be chirping happily in the midst of roaring river waters. Stupidity of arson, smoke of a wildfire for days and a sky terribly black are a lost nature’s faded memory. Hopefully it will grow back, and decency won’t have it destroyed again.

Jeno feels the prickling of thin rain, falling on his exposed hands, freezing him when wind swings and hurts like his skin is being cut, the tip of his nose cold and running. At least the sun is allowed to sleep, and silence gives space, one that’s too big to be dealing with right now.

Neve doesn’t seem to mind, following her paws steps excitedly, sniffing curiously even further when all Jeno wants to do is go home and maybe lie in bed and finally sleep, just so time will pass quicker and he can call it a day when he’ll wake up in late evening to get some work done.

Jeno’s glad for the asphalt, the sides smudging dirt and trampled grass under his heavy boots, view foggy in blurred lines of houses, branches and a shape. At the end of the street where Jeno usually turns and goes back home, wearing a blue and puffy jacket, white beanie covering a mess of pink hair and the thrilled speed of Neve’s paws and Jeno’s heart there’s Jaemin, hiding hands in his pocket and eyes closing in a smile.

“Hey”.

Jaemin bends his leg to the ground, open arms for Neve to jump on him, Jeno trying to keep her back and steady with the leash until Jaemin moves a hand in dismiss. He’s sinking his nose in the white thick fur of Jeno’s samoyed, hands hugging and patting her.

He insisted on getting a dog with all his will when Jeno was sixteen, albeit allergic to them and no sniffing or puffy eyes can replace the love he has for the explosive amount of white fur licking Jaemin’s cheek right now, tail happy and wildly moving as she does so. 

Having a dog meant responsibilities, taking Neve diligently out everyday was one of them. Jeno has a wide garden, although it’s better to let her big paws move and be free in the woods they’re glad to have right up their house, walking her daily and more often than said he finds Jaemin.

Na Jaemin, the kid he used to go to elementary school with, now a lot taller, probably only one centimeter shorter than Jeno. Cute baby cheeks got replaced with thinner features and eyes so bright they can distract from the greyish days of early winter.

They’re friends, not sure the term is right for them, living indirectly in each other’s spaces and lives since they were six. Jaemin and his family come over for lunch at Jeno’s place sometimes, their fathers go and pick up olives or blackberries depending on the season, their mothers go and have walks together during weekends.

Jaemin, captain of the swimming team during high school, Jeno running marathons instead. They barely waved at each other or casually met in the school’s bathrooms to share a few awkward words, picking up remnants of a childhood friendship in the noisy building. Not being in the same class, their friendship was lost in the messy corridors until one day Jeno got his driving license and the first person he asked to drive around was Jaemin.

It is a small village, not made of much youth, mostly elders fond of seeing them growing up into older men, the only life coming from some newborns or nephews of said elders that are too young to befriend. Jaemin came up to his mind, like a memory, one that can’t be defined as one when he constantly meets him.

Jaemin is popular with the kids, always knows how to talk to them and he receives a big amount of ‘I bet girls are all in line for you!’ from their parents. Jeno noticed, maybe even before Jaemin did, it quite doesn’t work like that for him. 

Jeno started driving Jaemin around, car’s windows open and night sounds filling their ears on top of a hillside, sharing their doubts and fears, growing closer again. University was their main concern in the last year of high school, Jaemin sharing he’d like to be a teacher someday even if continuing his studies meant giving up his career as a swimmer. 

Now they’re both twenty-one and Jaemin chose to study to be a teacher, and Jeno entered the limited number med school and still runs for fun, to release stress. He never cared about being a professional runner or anything close to it, he did sports to not lay in bed all day after doing his daily homework.

As soon as high school ended, so did Jeno and Jaemin closeness, leaving him uncertain to label the kind and bubbly boy a friend. They met again at the nearby city university, finding him for the first time again at the library immersed in a general pedagogy book, freshly pink hair on display.

Despite their odd on and off friendship, when their eyes met everything fell into place again, that same day after spending hours catching up in a coffee shop, Jeno got Jaemin inside his car like they did in high school and brought him off after class, ending up doing it for the entirety of their first year to date. 

Reaching Jaemin’s house takes approximately a twenty minute walk from where Jeno lives, a lonely long street accompanied by trees and the rivers’ calming sounds, temperature slightly dropping at the wood’s entrance. 

It’s the perfect walk for him and Neve, bringing her there every morning, usually turning back home where the asphalted street ends, welcoming brown soil and rocks leading who knows where. Jeno has never been curious enough to find out, also slightly scared of potential encounters with deers, wild boars or even wolves.

“Wanna get inside? My mom’s making breakfast”. Jaemin looks up, hand still scratching under Neve’s snout, the white dog closing her eyes happily at the attention.

“It’s okay, I actually thought I should go back to sleep”. Jeno lifts his shoulders, Jaemin seems cold and he wonders what is the boy doing up at this hour. Then he thinks it’s Jaemin so he shouldn’t even ask.

“Thank you”. He tries, sounding unsure.

“Make sure to eat something later, mh? Rest well Jeno”. 

Jaemin gets up, dusting his jeans and smiles at Jeno, waving before he turns back to his house direction. He disappears and so Jeno’s small enthusiasm does, wondering if he should call him and agree instead to have breakfast together. Not today.

Falling asleep this time is easy, room dead silent, his parents already headed to work. Nothing out of the ordinary, Jeno is home alone most of the time, does most of the house chores for his busy parents who barely have the time to live on Sundays. 

He’s used to being alone, Neve a blessing keeping him company which he endlessly talks to, sometimes feeling the weight of speaking to a dog and how delirious he must look to an outsider.

Jaemin doesn’t think he’s weird for that, catching him staring once rather fondly at his interactions with the lovely samoyed, also not disgusted when his mother let the pink haired boy in his room one morning and found Jeno sleeping hugging Neve in his bed. Jeno knows he shouldn’t, his dog is well behaved and she usually sleeps in her basket made of endless soft cushions and dog toys, albeit loneliness is overwhelming and having his heavy furnace of a dog to hug for a night helps his sore heart.

Jeno is tired, inside out. He wakes up in a gasp, limbs trembling and catching his breath. He’s awake, he’s fine, not actually screaming for help. He raises an arm, slowly opening his fingers. He can move. A sigh, one hand reaching to where Neve is sleeping next to his bed, looking for comfort. 

He sips coffee at eleven in the morning, slumping on the kitchen stool watching the news at their small tv. Lets his mind travel back to meeting Jaemin earlier in the morning. He was obviously tired, looking dazzling in simple clothes and that smile always on display for Jeno, eyes made of an endearing weightlessness that makes Jeno’s stomach twirl at the thought.

He suddenly remembers the kid that traded half of his lunchbox for Jeno’s, long sleeves shirts fitting weirdly his constantly growing self and Jeno sees Jaemin getting more handsome every single day, at the same pace Jeno loses his smile and energy.

There’s some plates to wash from yesterday’s dinner, singing to the songs coming from the kitchen's radio with hands dipped in soap, finding some enthusiasm to also shower and just be a normal functional human being. Simple tasks require a lot of strength lately and Jeno is sure he must have become lazy.

His parents come home for lunch finding Jeno writing neater notes of one class he attended yesterday, thick glasses sliding to the tip of his nose, next to him the table in the living room already settled to eat. They have a meal together, mind drifting, listening to a new project his father’s company is working on, chopsticks stabbing at the food on his plate.

After helping clean and having a coffee break with his mother sitting at the small high marble table in their kitchen, Jeno lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He can’t wait to be busy again at university tomorrow, six hours of classes and two free in between to walk around the city sound better than the lazy and yielding Jeno he is at home. He considers texting Mark for a moment, not that they’ll meet or anything, he doesn’t have the will to get decently ready to go out and be sociable.

Hanging out with Mark entails having Donghyuck tagging along and then the combination of the two inseparable boys would also bring out of his — off-site university apartment, Chenle, who can’t stay still for more than an hour. Jeno after every single one of their hangouts comes home drained of energy, the fun group of boys is too much to handle.

He plays a stupid phone game for a while, staring at the empty messages box, only a few texts from the university group chat are the exceptional notifications on mute or his phone would ring every second. 

There’s a specific company he doesn’t mind, one that’s easy and calming. Jeno ponders at the name on his cracked phone screen, thinking he’s being overly dramatic and puts his thumbs to work.

To: NANA

hi, are you busy?

From: NANA

hii jeno!

no i’m not <3 

Jeno bites his lip, lips curling up at the corners. Jaemin always sends at least a heart while texting, he finds it fairly endearing.

To: NANA

wanna play with neve? 

i’m kinda bored at home

Jeno meets Jaemin midway, looking significantly more alive, fast steps running towards Neve and she stands up on two paws, almost as tall as Jaemin. She jumps on him, backing him a little with her strength, Jeno trying to hide rising amusement inside his scarf. He’s glad for that particular piece of clothing choice, it’s really freezing outside.

“Can I walk her?”. Jeno nods and gulps down his sheepish reaction at Jaemin’s fingers grazing him as he takes the leash, starting to walk side by side to the same long and boring street they know by heart. 

They’re used to the scenery, timid sun filtering through dense clouds, air cleaner and a silence many people coming from the city fuss are not used to, specifically his relatives always telling them how lucky they are to live in such a place at every family gathering.

Jeno doesn’t take it for granted, knows nothing can replace the peaceful atmosphere here, although it easily gets lonesome. There are no apartments, big houses standing next to each other built where once was nothing but a huge field unfolding for kilometers, nature growing onto other nature slowly modified by human hands into the small village it is today.

There’s a bakery where almost every parent buys snacks for their kids to bring to school, a butchery selling meat that is not even that great but it’s convenient when Jeno’s family doesn’t have time to properly get groceries. A bar occupied by the usual elder customers always watching football games and escaping their loneliness, a football field right outside the bar with cold rusty benches and a stage for summer local festivals. 

A small church hidden by infinite grass fields with the priest’s garden space turned into a children’s playground, for happy small voices to play after the usual Bible study on Saturdays. All of this framed in a green scenery.

Jeno is a young adult, has a car to move out the insulation growing in such a place, the weight of being out of reach during high school no longer exists. 

There’s something deeper, restlessly seeping under his skin no matter how many people are around him, weighting his heart down, prickling at his eyes when it wears him out. 

No city noise can help it, crumbling from time to time, Jeno allows himself to be weak.

He misses the jittery wait for the school bus to arrive, earphones ready and taking out his phone to check the time and realize it is always a bunch of minutes late. He misses the thrill of going to school and meeting his friends, always positive something exciting will happen, no extra homework or tests able to bring his mood down.

“Need a ride tomorrow?”. Jeno kicks a small rock of the consumed asphalt, his boots ruined at the tip and darkened by water.

“Ah, it’s okay Jeno, I can take the bus”. Jaemin shakes his head, cheeks resisting the cold and eyes half hidden by his beanie. They both know it’s not just a bus, lacking a car makes an approximately one hour ride to a three hours one. There’s a first bus that will take Jaemin to another stop for a shuttle-bus stopping every hour so if he misses it he’ll be in trouble and late. That one shoebox of a vehicle will bring him to the train station, where he can finally catch the first train bringing him to the university area, and there he’ll have to walk for some other fifteen minutes to reach the final destination.

No, Jeno is not okay leaving Jaemin face morning hell when he can easily hop inside Jeno’s old family car. That one is still a shoebox of a vehicle but at least it will take both of them to class in time. They’re lucky they have a similar schedule, attending classes almost the same days, except for one and Jeno makes sure to use it joining Mark at the library, pretending he has classes so Jaemin won’t feel bad about him waking up early just for the sake of sparing the pink haired boy the dreadful experience of using their limited travel options. Of course Jaemin doesn’t need to know that.

“My car is warmer, and you’ll have a guaranteed seat”. Neve stops to sniff the perfect spot on the ground leaving her own mark. Jeno grimaces when she dips her nose where other dogs most definitely peed before. He mentally marks to clean her as soon as they get home.

Jaemin chuckles, biting the inside of his cheek. “In June it was the aircon, you know how to keep me”.

Jeno blinks in his obvious attempts of getting Jaemin’s company first in the morning. He’s not much of a talker, while the other is, truly not minding his chatty mellow voice at fast speed when he has too much to share and is anxious he’ll forget it without blurting all of it out immediately. Also, at his favor, he gets to see Jaemin’s cute sleepy pout.

Exactly like their ambiguous friendship, Jeno is not sure where his heart stands when it comes to Jaemin. He thought many times how it would feel like kissing him, closing that thought in a box in his closet and never daring to look back at it again. Jeno also remembers the automatic glares he obliviously gave his classmates whenever someone brought up Jaemin looks into conversation. He wasn’t aware of it until one day Donghyuck laughed, saying he looked cute when jealous. 

Jeno doesn’t think he’s jealous, has no reason to be, albeit he remembers quite well Jaemin’s first relationship in high school with Jungwoo, awakening something in him realizing Jaemin was seriously into boys. Thinking of it, he always hinted on it very subtly, Jeno being observant like he is caught up on it and probably was the only one not fazed by the news. Maybe he was slightly upset seeing Jaemin walking hand in hand with Jungwoo, ugly tug at his chest telling him he wanted that too.

Nothing else to add to the story, Jaemin and Jungwoo lasted not even three months and then Jaemin was just there, in his car, at his house, being the same guy that sticks in his life and surprisingly fits.

They find a spot where the river is thriving with water after days of rain, usually the rocks in the water are high enough to jump and cross to the other side where a natural font of potable water is. Cold humidity makes Jeno shiver and makes his face sticky at the same time, throwing a twig for Neve to take, Jaemin laughing when instead of coming back to Jeno she runs in circles energized, tail almost breaking from how fast it swings.

“I can’t believe it’s already been one year of university, I mean, actually I can with the amount of work there’s to do but you get it”. Jaemin tries to play with Neve and get the twig back, the furry mess pulling her conquest and playfully growls. “Time is really flying”.

“Yeah”. Jeno can’t agree. Maybe his first year did go fast, not so sure when it started to feel endless, when the loop of trouble started. This is something else Jaemin doesn’t need to know, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “How are classes for you?”.

“Great! I’ll start my first internship soon, I really can’t wait to actually work with kids”. Jaemin really is gleaming under the dark sky, like a ray of sun breaking through the clouds. He’s beautiful, and genuinely loves being around children, he is one at heart when he wants to.

Jeno remembers, fourteen years old Jaemin cuddling and swaying in his arms Jeno’s little cousin, the young girl sticking at his sides the entire day. He has that effect on children, generally on people. There’s no difference between Jeno and his little cousin that still remembers Jaemin and asks about him, probably he’s worse. All the time they didn’t spend together really was of no help to forget or lessen his feelings for Jaemin. Whatever those are, he’s not sure of that himself.

Jeno gets up to try and tie the leash back to Neve’s harness, the samoyed still too playful she sprints at one bird flying close to the water, Jeno slipping forward losing balance, Jaemin quicker to grab his waist and avoid the fall. Jeno shouldn’t feel so awkward at a touch muffled by his heavy clothes, feeling Jaemin’s warmth when he brings him on his feet and his back lingers for a moment against the other’s chest. 

He clears his throat after feeling Jaemin’s breath against his nape bare from the scarf loose around the shoulders from moving around too much, turning and distancing.

“Thank you”.

“It’s nothing”. Were Jaemin cheeks so red before? Maybe, it’s cold up here, Jeno is sure it must be that.

Jaemin takes the leash from his hands, pressed lips together in a reassuring smile. “I’ll take her”.

Jeno wants to scoff ironically at how easily Jaemin persuades him into spending the rest of the evening at his house, the pink haired boy’s mother enthusiastically bringing out all her dog supplies she keeps specifically for Neve. 

Jaemin’s father never agreed on getting a dog, saying it’s too much work and they’re too busy to have one and Jeno’s samoyed was literally the Na’s family dream dog. Well, at least for Mrs Na and Jaemin. 

Soomin Na is a charming woman, her eyes sparkle exactly like Jaemin’s do, wrinkling at the corners from years advancing, not making her any less beautiful. She has brown warm hair in a cut that meets her shoulders, slightly curled at the ends and wears simple makeup and clothes of an elegance that makes Jeno stare, finding the similarity with her son.

She loves Neve, treats her like it’s her own dog and gladly came more than once at the Lee’s to leave her food and company on the rare occasions when absolutely no one was home to feed her. Those times being when Jeno had high school trips or marathons. His mother would usually give Soomin their spare pair of keys, their families are close like that.

It’s no wonder they leave a happy Soomin with Neve and head to Jaemin’s room, an attic rearranged as a bedroom with Christmas lights decorating the room all year long. A wide bed without a frame stays in the corner, Jaemin got rid of it so it’s only the mattress meeting the light parquet and many posters and photos attached at white walls. 

The roof is a little short up their heads now they’re all grown up, it still gives off a gloomy familiarity of days where they were younger and played games instead of doing homework, pretending to get back at their books with young giggles whenever Soomin peaked through the door to check on them. 

He still remembers how the room looked before Jaemin grew up and decided the furniture was too childish and had to be replaced. Jeno wonders if now it is too minimal, there’s barely a bed in there.

He doesn’t know what it is, Jeno folds his arms and sheepishly looks around the room, tense in his shoulders. It has been a while since his last time there, being alone in his car or outside is nothing compared to the warm furnace of the bedroom and Jaemin’s body too close next to him, shoulders pressing together. He feels exposed, like Jaemin can read his process of thoughts.

“Did you sleep? You look tired”. Jaemin has wide mild eyes, and Jeno feels a sense of safety, although strange and misgiving he can’t relax.

“Yeah, kind of, not really”. Jeno chuckles, hiding his rather traumatic awakening, the reason why he’s been avoiding closing his eyes recently. That constrictive feeling that keeps him paralyzed on the mattress, brain helplessly screaming for help and body still asleep not moving. It’s a real nightmare, experiencing it almost every night had Jeno giving up on sleep.

Jaemin brings in tea and they decide to mindlessly watch some youtube videos, finding absurd conspiracy theories Jeno hardly believes in. On the other hand Jaemin seems mildly entertained more at the idea of those things being real rather than firmly standing on the theory’s side. And he really doesn’t know how, Jaemin goes to the bathroom at some point and Jeno closes his eyes for a moment, falling asleep with his cheek smashed against the pillow.

“No, Injun, I can’t talk louder than this!”. Jeno hears some quiet steps, then silence again. “You’re so annoying, I won’t tell you anything about my life again”.

Jeno stirs slowly and finds himself covered in a soft and sinking blanket, his sleep induced mind slowly picking up he fell asleep on Jaemin’s bed. It is dark outside the window ceiling, wondering for how long he’s been sleeping and there's obvious terror and sorry in his eyes when he meets Jaemin’s.

“Renjun, no you creep I won’t! You already saw how he looks-”. He fixes his pink hair, and it seems he’s realizing Jeno is awake, letting out a weird nervous laugh. Great, he just made Jaemin uncomfortable and he’s an idiot for falling asleep, even if it was a damn good nap. Probably the only good amount of sleep he’s had recently, struggling to find a reason to sit up and maybe go home, not sure he can hold a conversation with Jaemin without cringing at the moment.

Jaemin sighs loudly “I have things to do, bye devil”.

“Hey, I knew you were tired!”. Jaemin grins, sweetly, and Jeno’s heart finds some brief inner peace at it, fingers curling at the hem of the blanket to find more warmth and also hide his chin and his entire being, disappearing forever and spare the embarrassment.

“Did I sleep a lot? I’m so sorry”. 

Jaemin looks at his phone, pouting in the process. “Hm, a little more than an hour? It’s okay, do you feel any better at least?”.

Jeno feels like he’s got run over by a train, dead. He’s even more tired, the comfortable haze of sleepiness overcoming his restless brain for once. Waking up without jumping and trembling seems like a miracle. Unfortunately for him he can’t share that with Jaemin so he fakes and nods.

After spending five minutes convincing Soomin he and Neve don’t need a ride back home he’s back buried in his heavy jacket and scarf, walking home. It’s usually faster, the road downhill and Neve’s energetic steps to follow and the freezing air shake Jeno completely awake, his tired limbs missing Jaemin’s bed already. He’ll try to sleep as nicely as he did before, not too positive about it but a man can dream.

He wakes up disheveled, face a mess and rain pouring outside. It’s four in the morning and when he looks at the pale bathroom’s light against the walls he’s not sure he’ll be able to catch some sleep. Jeno sighs, staring at the mirror for too long to be considered okay, empty. Persisting, exhausting, carrying it around under his eyes, in the moments his mind moves and gets lost before Jeno can even try not to let it wander.

He thinks of Jaemin, of the classes he has to attend today and with a long sigh he gets in bed again, checking the weather and scrolling through social media, his index finger tapping the screen at a rhythm, reading the horrifying daily news not helping his mental health. 

Godsent, is Neve threading her cute face in the small space of the door not completely closed, walking happily at the end of Jeno’s bed, paws scratching the duvet in excitement. He lets her in, getting a handful of fur he sneezes at, he doesn’t care.

About three hours later, Jaemin gets inside Jeno’s car, white jacket and faded pink hair, straight and falling against his long lashes. Jaemin’s hair is pink for more than a year now, pulling off the difficult color so well. He’s lovely, benign with a small glance at Jeno and honey dripping when he says “Morning”, smelling of fresh shampoo and a peach fragrance. It’s too late before Jeno realizes his fingers are tucking Jaemin’s hair behind his ear, hand flinching back immediately.

Jaemin, although, is calm. He puts his seatbelt on, searches through Jeno’s cds until he finds the Michael Jackson one Donghyuck gifted him, saying he’s the superior artist and it’s a scandal Jeno doesn’t even have one cd or vinyl of him. Jeno just likes music, doesn’t overly follow any artist, enjoys what he finds. The only discs he owns are some that were on sale from a music shop in the city Jeno visits between classes.

He’ll simply ignore what he did and start driving. They fall easily into conversation, Jeno mostly listens to Jaemin and keeps focused on the road, his mother always reminding him to be extra careful when he has people with him.

“You’re keeping someone else's life between your hands and the steering wheel”. She tells him, all the time, was the first thing Jeno heard when he decided to bring the pink haired boy for a ride, pink document freshly in hand and the thrill of driving without an instructor to be anxious about.

Jeno likes spending time in his car, it calms him. He enjoys picking up his mother from work when they have the chance, rolling down the window through summer days and feeling the burning air inside the car vanish in dust and wind moving in and out. 

“I was thinking of doing something else, you know, swimming is nice but maybe a less wet activity during winter sounds better”. Jaemin punches softly his leg, covered in a simple pair of black sweats. 

“Maybe we could run together? If you want to, and if you have enough patience to start slowly with me”.

Jeno glances briefly at Jaemin’s direction, eyes back on the road until they stop at a light. 

What a perfect metaphor, to describe his relationship with Jaemin. Their traffic light is currently green, exactly how it was during elementary school; they’re together daily, go along well and everything is impossibly easy with Jaemin. They were at a yellow point, that could have been red if it wasn’t for their close families.

Jeno looks at Jaemin and wonders if there’s a moment when they’ll become red. The sun is not completely out yet, making Jaemin’s face shine with a faint red light reflecting, hopeful eyes and a request for another activity that will involve more time spent with him.

“We can, are you sure you’ll enjoy running?”. Jeno shakes his head, bottom lip bitten. “You should have the breath and resistance, with all the swimming”.

And here it is, Jaemin gleaming in that addictive way and Jeno has to stop staring and start the car again, no distractions.

“You think so?”.

Jeno hums, a tiny smile marking a good start of the day, heart bumping into another soft look at pink hair before they part to reach their classes.

A whole week passes, made of Jaemin progressively updating Jeno about a tv show he’s watching and how betrayed he is when his favorite character turns out to be “The biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen!” dramatically angry it startles Jeno who was listening to the pleasing sweet tone of Jaemin’s voice until that very moment, distracted by the sound of it and missing a few too many informations essential to have an idea of what the pink haired boy was talking about.

An uneventful Sunday has Jeno waking up around nine in the morning and stretches before doing a brief warm up run to Jaemin’s house. It’s not the best place to practice and learn how to run properly, the road is steeply difficult for an untrained boy like Jaemin. Hopefully he’s athletic and won’t overly suffer their first run, and if he does, it was his idea not Jeno’s.

He should have prepared himself to see Jaemin with tight joggers and a hoodie, handsome features hidden by a baseball cap. It’s criminal to look this good, Jeno doesn’t tear his eyes away and stands there, taking his breath after running. (And also after seeing how Jaemin looks).

“Are you ready? Let’s start by stretching”.

Jeno feels confident teaching something he’s good at, running is the activity he pursued for the longest time, starting in elementary school after his teacher told Jeno’s mother he ran well, had a good posture and resistance. 

Trying to not get distracted by the way Jaemin’s tongue presses to his bottom lip concentrating on his stretching exercises is hard, spending ten painful minutes before they actually start running.

Jeno is obviously going slower, running next to Jaemin who is aware of the courtesy, his breathing an ounce heavy whenever he doesn’t force himself to not make a sound, looking too pink in his face and neck.

“It’s okay Nana, breath properly”. Jeno glances at him, hand touching up to the spot where Jaemin’s spleen is. “You don’t want to hurt here”.

Jaemin makes a sound, one in the middle of catching his unsteady breathing and a tired whine that has him losing the increasing pace of their feet running, Jeno’s touch is short but he can feel the boy’s skin twitching under his palm. They keep going, checking on Jaemin as they run for about fifteen minutes, which is good considering it is the boy’s first time.

The initial cold breeze gets replaced with sweaty foreheads and shirts sticking to their chests, Jeno’s calves sore of his own, being a while since he actually had a run. When they stop Jaemin looks kind of pale, clutching at his chest bending his legs slightly.

“It burns”. He barely manages to say, panting continuously.

Jeno inhales deeply, hands at his hips scrunching his nose with eyes shut for a moment. He’s fine, although Jaemin doesn’t look too good right now, slumping and losing balance.

He speeds next to him, crouching down to circle an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders, eyes careful. 

“Oh god, I feel nauseous”. Jaemin chuckles, probably doing his best at keeping it all together, he does look ill. “How do you do this?”.

“Practice. It’s okay, let’s rest for a moment”. 

Jeno gives him the warmest smile he can, soothing Jaemin’s back both staying in the same position, slowly feeling the boy’s violent breathing getting steadier, his face gaining back some color. 

Jeno is surprised to meet the fit muscles of Jaemin’s shoulders, tense under his touch. Jaemin has a great body mainly as a consequence of years spent swimming; that is nothing new, Jeno just wasn’t expecting for him to be so built. He looks thin, long legs, wide chest and his delicate face betray the actual sturdy press he gets when his fingertips dip in small circles around a muscle, Jaemin closing his eyes in a mellow sigh.

“You know”. Jeno starts, still massaging Jaemin’s spine carefully “After my first cross-country I puked”. 

It was terrible, nine years old Jeno wasn’t ready for his insides writhing in a disgusting form of his breakfast. He took the 14th place out of forty participants, which wasn’t bad. 

Jaemin laughs, head turning to face him and Jeno is so close he can see the thin stretch of his lips in an appealing smile. Jeno finds he doesn’t mind at all the warm puffs of air of Jaemin breathing in his same small space. He doesn't need to back away.

“That makes me feel better, not that you puked, that must have been terrible”. 

Jeno snorts, helping Jaemin get up on his feet. “I guess it’s better if we walk to your house”.

“Want to stay for lunch?”. Jaemin always asks, and Jeno this time feels bad for denying.

“I would but-”. He gestures down his body “I’m kind of gross right now, I need to shower. What time is it?”.

Jaemin smiles, looking at his wristwatch with mirth in his eyes, showing Jeno the small screen. It’s still early, Jeno does have the time to shower and have lunch with the Na’s, albeit today is Sunday, the only chance to have his parents around the house the entire day and he’d feel like an horrible son to ditch them for a boy he sees daily.

“How about you come to mine? My parents will be happy to see you”.

There was a time where Jeno almost hated the charming way Jaemin catches everyone’s attention, his mother preening with the boy’s lovely words and his father impressed by all the smart comebacks for every topic grazed at the lunch table. At twenty years old, Jeno can’t help it, hiding a smile behind one glass of water, cheekbones warm at the sight of Jaemin embraced by the balmy light filtering from the window and his voice even sweeter as he answers something Jeno’s mother asks.

Jeno is sure Jaemin’s parents will arrive later in the evening, maybe for coffee, witnessing the novelty of being the first time their sons decide to eat at each other’s place by choice. They usually found themselves involved in meals organized by their parents, not having any say in it, just casually meeting and joining their families’ mingling.

Jeno has a light heart for once, meeting his back harshly against the mattress, watching Jaemin studying attentively the stack of DVDs Jeno owns, sitting on the wooden floor. His pink hair is a mess, still damp at the back, body swallowed by an oversized shirt and freed from the hoodie not needed inside the small and burning room. 

Refreshing, is seeing Jaemin looking so relaxed and calm in the most familiar space for Jeno. Comfortable, with a fluttery heart, is to have Jaemin face pressed on his shoulders, subtly trying to get closer until they cuddle while watching a movie.

And cold, so cold and empty is when Jeno shakes again in a gasp waking up from another nightmare, hand quivering looking for the light switch, heart almost jumping out his throat. 

He wants to cry, doesn’t know what is happening to him, why he feels the urge to have tears falling down every single time he has nothing or no one keeping him busy, slowly getting terrified at the weight of dealing with his own thoughts. 

One night, that sinkhole right in his chest swallowing everything to nothing is unbearable. Jeno tries to watch some videos, read, finding himself staring blankly at his phone screen, dizzy and nothing seems helpful.

Later than midnight, his parents and Neve are sleeping, Jeno feels alone. Not being able to even cry is stressful. At least wet tears and ugly sobs are something, sadness is an emotion while the clingy exhaustion taking over is dreadful. 

Jeno doesn’t know if it’s depression, not wanting to self diagnose an actual mental illness he should be careful to take more seriously, also he doesn’t know much about it, no one in his family has ever suffered from it. Jeno really doesn’t have anything that could trigger it, as far as he can recall.

He’s functional, gets things done just with this tiring spectrum never leaving his body. Like a ghost haunting him until Jeno is still and alone, tired of running away and cornered, giving the perfect chance for it to bite venom.

To: NANA

ur probably sleeping

don’t worry, i just...

can’t sleep

Jeno’s face gets blinded by the light of an almost immediate answer.

From: NANA

jeno )):

need some company?

i’m here <3

u can call me if u want to, i’m not sleepy 

To: NANA

are u sure?

it’s late why are u still awake

Jeno’s phone rings, heart picking up a nervous speed. He doesn’t want to bother Jaemin in the night time, nor have him affected by his struggles but he would be lying if he denies the relief of pressing the green button.

“I just finished a tv show, the one I told you about, and my brain is now all awake. That’s why I’m still up, what about you?”.

Jeno is startled by the simple question. Why is he awake? He can’t even give a proper answer without Jaemin or anyone else laughing at him, probably saying he’s overreacting.

“I don’t know, I feel-”.

His voice is jammed, listens to the metallic breathing of Jaemin from the other side, shuffling noises and a soft ‘hmm’ as to let Jeno know he’s still there.

“I lied to you, Nana. It’s been too long since I slept properly. I’m sorry, I don’t want to hand you all my trouble”.

He wants to hang up and never face Jaemin again, an unhappy chuckle. Opening up about his own demons is hard, if he can even allow himself to consider them as such.

“I can handle it Jeno. Tell me what’s going on, why can’t you sleep?”.

“I have this thing, I looked it up on google and before you say anything I know searching answers on the internet is not the right solution. The description is similar to sleep paralysis, or panic attacks as I sleep”.

“Oh Jeno”. Jaemin’s voice is soft, groggy, and Jeno hopes the boy is really not trying to stay awake for him. “Did you tell anyone?”.

“You, just now. I don’t think I’m anxious, though, maybe I am now because I’m always afraid of falling asleep and waking up like that”. Jeno takes a deep breath, clenching inside his blanket. “The only decent sleep I had recently was at yours”.

“Really?”. Jaemin sounds lively, and it does warm up Jeno’s spirit. “Then you can borrow my bed anytime, I don’t mind. Well, you should also probably ask your doctor for a remedy to your troubled sleeping, you didn’t seem too happy to wake up in my bed last time”.

Jeno shuts his eyes, face grimacing sheepishly. “I was embarrassed, okay?”.

Jaemin laughs quietly, most likely trying to not wake his parents up. Jaemin’s room doesn’t really have a door, just long and tall stairs that bring him high enough to hopefully not be heard, or else all the movies he watches at ungodly hours of the night echoes in the entire space of the Na’s home.

“Why”. Wails cutely Jaemin “You were adorable, I felt too bad waking you up”.

“See?”. Jeno groans, flushing and he’s glad Jaemin can’t see him stealing a smile from their easy conversation. “I’m so tired, it’s really starting to affect me”.

“We can stop by the pharmacy tomorrow, maybe ask if there’s any natural pills you can get and see if they help”.

“You’re coming with me?”. 

“Of course! If you don’t feel like going alone I’ll gladly tag along. And, if talking before going to bed helps you, again, I’m here”.

“You’re too kind, really. Thank you Nana”.

“It always sounds better when you say it. Nana, I mean”.

And oh, that really makes Jeno's stomach flip. Jaemin never said anything like that to him, figures it comes from their recent closeness and he shouldn’t read too much into it. 

Jeno notices the safe and securing way Jaemin keeps one hand on his leg the next morning as he drives them to university. Jaemin's hand is warmer than the aircon set to heat up the car, fingers extremely touchy and mindlessly curling around his thigh as he speaks, almost making Jeno miss a stop sign. His chest hurts with throbbing and pleasing pain, forgetting the poor sleep he had for a moment, too awake when Jaemin is completely unaware of the effect it has on him.

One night of calling Jaemin turns into many, strongly on their second week of alternating texts, calls (Jaemin’s favorite) and video calls. It’s usually the dreamy pink haired boy to check up on him after dinner, sometimes directly and other times bringing up casual topics in their chat.

Jaemin is suggesting a song on an uneventful Saturday night, both of them not having better plans staying indoors. Fumbling with Jeno’s bluetooth speaker at his nightstand, arms and torso painfully reaching to it, Jaemin is too lazy to get up from the space he occupies on Jeno's bed. He stayed for dinner after they spent a whole evening in the city, studying and getting ice cream which for Jeno was delirious considering how cold it is recently but if he learned something, he can’t really say no to Jaemin. 

Later in the evening, with a comforting hand squeezing Jeno they also stop by the pharmacy, one gentle lady gave him some herbal pills with no prescription needed. 

Pills now there on Jeno’s desk, inside a dark green plastic container, him eyeing it for about three minutes.

They’re natural and won’t cause him any harm, yet he still feels tense about it, Jaemin sensing it when Jeno disappears in the connected personal bathroom to his room and leaves the door open, like a request.

He still hasn’t talked or shared his night troubles with his parents, Jaemin being the only person who can empathize with it and Jeno is thankful for him to never laugh or make him feel stupid about it.

Jeno places the pill bottle to the sink, staring at the steel faucet. There’s some dried soap there, he should clean it. The muffled sound of music from his room makes him feel less lost, it’s actually a good song. He’s sure he cleaned the bathroom a few days ago, yet he can already see the mirror dirtying and some very thin drops of toothpaste at the lower bottom. He watches Jaemin reflection coming closer to Jeno, clearly on the fence to touch him. Jeno has no idea why he does it, taking a step back and softly bumps against the boy’s chest, nodding at Jaemin when their eyes meet in the mirror.

He feels a pair of arms circling around his middle, shoulders clinging at his thinner figure, Jaemin’s chin resting at his shoulder. Jeno is not small himself, it’s just Jaemin having really broad shoulders to make him shrink.

It’s oddly intimate, Jeno never had a relationship or any kind of romantic feelings for anyone ever. Exception of a few kisses shared with a boy he met during one of the marathons he attended when he was seventeen, still feels the relief of being sure liking boys wasn’t just in his head, he actually gave in and enjoyed his first messy makeout.

Right now, Jaemin’s body pressing with his feels right, safe. He grips one of Jaemin’s arms around him, meeting temples. 

“You’re not supposed to watch me struggle”. Jeno tries to humour his pity, Jaemin’s gracious slope of his nose sneaks in the crook of his neck, cuddling closer. “I think tonight I need you to stay”.

“I won’t leave”.

Jeno turns, finds his hands latching around Jaemin’s neck, crashes on his chest. This is the first time Jaemin hugs him in approximately thirteen years of ‘friendship’ and how right it is. 

Jaemin must be sensing it with how tight he keeps him close, one hand crawling up his hair, moving the dyed brown locks he recently got. It’s a long hold, lingering and Jeno wonders if he should let go, trying to look up at Jaemin.

He yawns, Jaemin’s small laugh rumbles inside him, against his skin and it’s hard to let go.

Of course Jaemin’s presence as much as wanted can’t make miracles. Jeno does wake up around three am, sweating with teeth chattering and Jaemin is already awake, watching him worriedly. The immediate safety he finds in the boy’s arms, on the other hand, is something too dangerous to get used. 

In the delirium flash of emotions Jeno’s fist is closed around the collar of Jaemin’s shirt, knuckles sticking at his exposed skin, feeling Jaemin’s hand trailing around his spine, lips pressing at the crown of his head and Jeno lets out a sob. He feels consumed, vulnerable sharing this unhappy detail of his life, ashamed.

Jaemin strokes his cheek, cups it and shushes Jeno when he’s about to apologize again, kissing his forehead. He’s an angel, one not caring about his body made of cold sweat and mild panic, keeping him closer, warmer, until Jeno shuts his eyes again and drifts off to sleep.

When Jeno attempts to open one eye in the morning, spots his mother standing in front of his bedroom’s door with her pink phone and the focused face she does trying to take a good picture, the loud click confirming Jeno’s assumption.

He groans, turning slightly to his left blocked by Jaemin’s shoulder and body tangled with his, cheeks red realizing his mother was trying to take a picture of them sleeping together.

“Mom!”. He aggressively whispers, one careful hand soothing Jaemin’s shoulder when the space between his eyebrows frown. “You’ll wake him”.

Last thing Jeno wants is to disrupt the sleeping boy, not after the awful night he’s had because of Jeno. He looks peaceful, long lashes touching his swollen cheeks from sleep and lips slightly open, breathing air against Jeno’s face.

“Sorry!”. She whispers back, hands fumbling around her “I’ll send this to Soomin”.

Jeno rolls his eyes, about to get up when a furnace of a palm blocks him pressing around his chest, pushing him back on the mattress. “Don’t go, ‘s warm”.

Truth is, Jeno really needs to get up and leave the room, afraid if he keeps staring at Jaemin’s gorgeous face he’d do something silly such as kissing him. It doesn’t seem to be the other’s plan, nose meeting messy pink hair tickling him, Jaemin sleep induced movements didn’t bring Jeno properly back in his arms. He shifts down, purposely not facing him.

“How do you feel?”. 

“Decently rested. I’m not sure if it's the pill’s merit”.

“Is it me then?”. 

Jeno wanted to be more subtle, yet he hums and turns around when the other’s thumb is circling around his hip. He looks at his faded blue walls, yep, they’re distracting enough.

“I might come and sleep here every night, you don’t even move around too much”.

Jeno makes a silly frowny face, Jaemin laughing when Jeno punches playfully his chest, hands up in defense.

“I’m serious, oh my god, I’m not making fun of you”.

Jeno calms down, gulping sounds amplified in the quiet room full of light threading inside the half closed curtains. Jeno questions if this means anything to Jaemin. He knows the boy is touchy, still for someone like Jeno it can’t mean nothing if he lets himself be cuddled and taken care of in his bed, he wouldn’t allow his other friends to touch him like this. 

“Why?”. Jeno wants to shy away, deciding to keep sleep filled eyes locked with Jaemin’s. “Why are you being so nice to me?”.

“I care about you, I like doing this”. Jaemin kisses the back of Jeno’s hand, both blushing. “I obviously don’t enjoy seeing you suffer, but I prefer being here and helping you when you do”.

Another infamous Wednesday, Jeno pretending to head to a class waving goodbye the nest of pink hair, changing to the library’s direction when he’s out of sight.

Mark is already there, death in his eyes and a various dumb show at every paragraph of the notes his eyes scan. He can’t blame him, January is about to come soon with its terrifying exam session and everyone feels like having no clue about the content of all the classes they’ve been attending.

It’s nice to see Christmas lights decorating some shop windows already, small flea markets with various Santa Claus made of painted ceramics Jaemin wants to stop by after classes, noticing them on their way there. Of course he’ll let him, Jeno kind of wants to get warm chocolate too. Everything is too nice and cheerful, and every university student knows better to beware of the colorful lights, meaning the days they’ll slump on books heavier than them will come soon.

“Dude, I’m losing a brain cell here”.

Jeno takes the seat Mark occupied with his unecessarly huge backpack, finding out he keeps old and random stuff having no use to carry around. Donghyuck once mocked him and asked what he even had in there, Mark taking the question literally by throwing out all the content of his bag to the table and Chenle had fun describing everything as if he was a chronicler.

“Don’t tell me about it, I’m not ready to get through exams again”.

“Which class are you pretending to be at right now so Jaemin won’t feel bad?”.

Jeno sighs at the sly smile Mark has plastered on his face, fingers pressing at his temples.

“What? I’m asking so I can lie like a pro later”. Mark chuckles, quiet so they won’t disturb other students truly committed to study. “I think it’s really lovely of you, you two look close”.

“So you and Donghyuck”.

Mark moves a dismissive hand. “It’s not like that”.

“Are you sure? Could have fooled me for a second”.

“No, Hyuck is… just Hyuck?. I’m not sure there’s nothing else other than his evil enjoyment with tormenting my entire existence”.

Jeno wets his lips, hums lowly at Mark. Thinks of Jaemin, currently listening to one of the last classes they have for this semester, unaware of Jeno getting up today specifically to bring him to university. He’s not even bothered the slightest, enjoys doing these little things for him, indulging Jaemin’s ideas, sleeping with Jaemin. That one is new, and leisurely makes his skin shiver thinking about it.

“I think I like him. Jaemin”. 

“Not to be that person, but I already knew it”. Mark rests his cheek in the palm of his hand. “You’re nice with us, although with Jaemin, you know it yourself it’s different”.

“He’s gentle, like some days ago we-”. Jeno blushes, shaking briefly his hand defensively “Don’t think anything weird, I was feeling very down so we slept together”.

Mark twitches his eyebrows up with surprise, a small pout lingering for a while. “Are you feeling better now? And that’s... great, if you ask me, you’re closer than I thought”.

Jeno feels his eyes watering and no, he won’t cry in the library even when Mark’s first response is checking up on him.

“Still a little rough. It will get better”.

“Of course it will, I’m shit with these things but you can count on me”. Mark is unsure, not one for physical contact and he opts to squeeze briefly Jeno’s forearm. “Should we try and ace these exams?”.

Jeno gives him a genuine eyesmile, looking down at the pile of books he prepared under his nose, taking one deep breath. “Let’s do it”.

The first two weeks of December flies, and time really runs out when you need it the most. Classes are over, driving to the city meeting up with his friends for some chaotic study group sessions; at least complaining together is comforting, and out of tempting distractions such as his bed, Neve, or a busy Jaemin meeting with his own circle of friends Jeno gets some work done, satisfied with his study schedule.

Jaemin doesn’t escape him, still texting every night before Jeno goes to bed, waiting for him out of Jeno’s faculty like right now, pink hair hidden by a black beanie and eyes dazzling when he spots his figure, a shorter boy with dark blonde hair next to him.

Said shorter boy turns out to be Renjun, Jaemin’s classmate he often mentions in his daily shenanigans he tells Jeno during their car rides as he’s reviving the unhealthy amount of tv shows he consumes. 

Renjun lives in the city, a detail Jaemin never shared, probably thinking it wasn’t necessary. All Jeno knows from Jaemin’s tales is Renjun is small, cute when tempered and fake strangles Jaemin. Also very smart, which Jeno can tell from his ready remarks at Jaemin’s steady teasing, the comical draw of their exchanges.

Currently looking at a handmade jewellery stand, Jaemin tugs his sleeve and his hands slides holding Jeno’s, pointing at a white animal shaped pendant.

“It looks like Neve!”. He says zestfully around the darkening sky. All the Christmas lights keep that happy atmosphere up, Jeno carries in its coziness.

“It looks more like a cat to me”. Renjun bumps Jaemin’s side, pointed bone disappearing inside the boy’s stuffy jacket.

“Renjun’s right”. Jeno finds the dark blond haired boy’s smile accommodating, grinning back. 

They immediately go well along, Renjun seems like a nice person, no wonder him and Jaemin are friends.

They keep walking around all the stands, to Jaemin’s request, Renjun not as pliant says Christmas is just a festivity for raising spoiled capitalists, enjoying the little banter of Jaemin —a firm believer of a merry spirit, and Renjun, voicing out confidently his ideals.

It is almost unbearably cold outside, Jeno sure he can feel ice forming inside his nostrils, hands hidden in his cold pockets taking a long time to decently warm the fabric.

“So, you live here right?”. Jeno gets between the two boys as they walk around floods of people getting in and out of shops, starting the perfect and cheaper as possible gift hunting, by strengthening Renjun’s disdain for the festivity. He must be a nightmare during Valentine’s day. “Must be so convenient”.

“I told Jaemin thousands of times he can come over in between classes or sleep here when we have an early morning lesson, he always declines. Can’t blame him, need me a cute boy driving me around”.

“Oh does he?”. Jeno shares a mirth filled look with a blushing Jaemin, clearing his throat bringing a fist in front of his mouth. “Renjun, don’t overdo it”.

Jeno ignores the little suggestion, the rest of their evening spent nicely with Renjun’s new company, sitting around a table of a coffee shop and Jeno’s jaw drops sliding some of the boy’s drawings on his ipad, not holding himself back because what the hell is Renjun doing at university, he should be the most requested artist nationally, if not globally. Yes, he’s aware being a painter is one daring job, while the ‘security’ of a degree is more tempting than following a passion.

They eventually say goodbye, Jeno and Jaemin walking next to each other to the car, not minding their silent steps. It’s comfortable, Jeno doesn’t need to speak and entertain him, Jaemin doesn’t mind getting lost inside their own minds for once.

Nevertheless, they both chuckle after the big sigh they make feeling Jeno’s car warm air hitting their knees and face, hands finally freeing from their temporary pockets shelter. 

Jeno’s cheeks are on fire, the temperature contrast leaves a shiver at his spine, quivering a second.

“Now the semester is over, I have a confession to make”. 

Screw it. They’ll probably have unmatching calendars in the second half of their academic year, it’s better to spill the truth out and clear. Jaemin’s curiosity is striking, back detaching from the previous weary crash on the seat.

“I never had classes on Wednesday, I just pretended to so you won’t feel bad about me driving you here”.

Jaemin’s face is priceless, blinking too many times before he scolds a wild “Jeno!”.

He’s cute while softly slapping his thigh. “Why”. Slap. “Didn’t you”. Another slap. “Tell me!”.

“I feel so bad right now”. He pouts, and Jeno really has the urge to kiss him.

“Knew it”. He chuckles instead, grabbing Jaemin’s slapping hand in his. “I enjoyed every single Wednesday drive, if it makes you feel better”.

“It does, but did you really”.

Jeno nods, closing his eyes when Jaemin’s cold lips press against his cheekbone, lingering there in a way it melts Jeno’s heart frozen by the weather.

“Why are you telling me now?”.

Jeno timidly looks at Jaemin’s wide eyes, reminding him of a deer. They’re brown, warm, everything Jeno needs to get lost in and never needing something bringing him back to reality. Except this is real, Jaemin is in front of him and Jeno hesitates before tracing a thumb at his close jaw.

“Because our schedules might be different next semester, and if you need someone to drive you here this is proof I’ll gladly do it again”.

Jeno’s hand is on the steering wheel, heart hammering like a bird in a cage when Jaemin leans in, noses touching so faintly. In the haze of it, the anticipation of a kiss Jeno’s hand slides and hits the horn, both of them jumping away from the other, like a snap of fingers in front of their hypnotized closing bodies.

Jeno snickers, Jaemin clutching at his jacket giggling back. He’s thankful, not sure he can handle the consequences of ending his distance with Jaemin, already unsure if they have something to call space between them at this point. 

Jaemin gets out of his car after a whole hour of singing and talking, a long peek at Jeno as he zips back on his jacket, one hour ride overheating the small space of Jeno’s car. Jeno doesn’t notice the chewing on his bottom lip until he has to say a “See you tomorrow” before it is too late.

“Let’s walk Neve together, I miss her. Then I’ll let you go, I promise”.

“Now?”.

Jaemin nods enthusiastically, heavy bag hanging low on his shoulder. “You were going to do it anyway. I’m waiting here”.

Needless to say, Neve gets a little crazed when she sees Jaemin, ready to slaughter the boy down with her happy tail, a fatigued noise from Jaemin hugging the dog. They briefly walk around, Jaemin seizing the leash because he loves Jeno’s samoyed so much it makes his own heart constrict with adoration.

Up where they live is even colder than the city stilled air, creaking branches under their shoes, tightening inside thick scarfs moving with wind approaching the freezing water of the river, stopping at the same old spot they let Neve free to run and move around.

There’s a lot of nature growing the humidity of the woods, grass greener and fascinating in its unapologetic blooming, sprinkled with the splashing water. They’re sitting on a rock, Jaemin pressed close to him and shivering, looking for some warmth around Jeno. 

Being alone with Jaemin makes him braver, knows no judging or sly eyes are there to stare.

Jeno’s cheek falls into Jaemin’s soft scarf as he tries to lay on his shoulder, the pink haired boy playing with Neve and asking cutely for her paw. Jeno looks up, meeting a sky covered by viscous clouds moving against the other, greyish. Maybe it will snow, luckily for them classes are over because Jeno really hates driving with the fear of his car slipping on ice, not tamed by his expensive four seasons wheels his mother insisted on buying.

“Any plans for New Year’s?”.

“Not yet”. Jaemin slides one hand inside Jeno’s pocket, intertwining their fingers.

“Did your parents tell you they planned a whole week with mine skiing without us?”.

Jaemin grins, looking down so close to Jeno his lips graze his forehead.

“We hate skiing”.

“Yeah but I would probably have found that out a lot later if I didn’t casually bring up some holiday plans ideas yesterday”.

“We can do something together”. Jaemin suggests, caressing Neve when she calls for his attention. “I know you’re probably tired of me at this point, I’ll give you time to think about it”.

“Nana”. Jeno gives him a stern look and the boy laughs, nose scrunching cutely. 

Truth is, Jeno is not tired at all, always longing for more time with Jaemin.

Jeno couldn’t define his relationship with him, slowly modifying into a friendship and maybe even more than that. There’s a tiny voice telling him it’s wrong to take his hand, have the boy sometimes hugging him to sleep, soaking the love Jaemin has to give. Wrong for not taking the risk and having it all; there’s a part at the bottom of all of his insecurities telling him Jaemin feels the same. It’s not all in Jeno’s mind, Mark saw it too, Renjun pursued his lips when Jaemin took his hand around the city.

So after one awkward goodbye, Jeno talks before his brain can overthink in the same anguish, seeing the beautiful figure of his beloved friend disappearing in the fog rising up from the street. He calls his name, as simple as it is, slipping out of Jeno’s tongue like he’s done it for a lifetime, and fairly honest to himself, he is doing it for said time.

Jaemin turns, face obviously questioning, one he’s seen since he was six years old and Jeno wants to chicken out. He also doesn’t enjoy looking like a fool and it’s all it takes for him speeding in the boy’s direction, hand cupping his cheek and kissing him.

It’s a short peck. One to ask Jaemin if it is okay, to have a moment to catch his heavy gaze, breath hitching when Jaemin kisses back with both hands snuggling around his hips.

It’s burning, the sparkle at the end of his tongue when it meets Jaemin’s, languidly snapping with Jeno's opening mouth to a wet sound, kissing with purpose as he wants him too and it startles Jeno. It tastes exactly like Jaemin doesn’t want to break it, kind and too perfect Jaemin Na laughing when Neve jumps between them, probably mistaking their hold for a reason to play.

“Someone wants us to stop”. Jaemin breaths, nose red and lips slick with spit, Jeno’s spit, the whole realization giving a fun jump of his heart.

Jeno pats Neve on the head, steading his hold on the leash, leaning again and shuts his eyes when Jaemin kiss is malleable in its gentleness, willing to let their lips pressed again.

“I don’t”. Jeno timidly looks down Jaemin’s palms confidently keeping him closer. The way they occupy the same space is familiar, although the feelings are new. 

December advances, sharing a romance intrinsically living in the thin snowflakes falling one morning when Jeno looks out of the window, stunned by the white scenery swallowing all the usual green of their small town.

Jeno shivers, legs bare from the long shirt stopping around his mid-thighs, his press of fingers against the window’s glass makes a wet moisture under his fingertips. Another early morning of unreachable sleep, lucky whenever the pills actually work and for the body now hovering his back.

Jaemin traces fingers on Jeno’s leg, hand slipping under his shirt and rests circling his waist. He stayed for the night, making Jeno grin at the sight at his door of him with a full bag and a cushion the previous night.

It’s going well between them, holding to what they have after their first kiss. Nothing really changes, the only exception is the freedom through their curious touches lingering more, still careful despite the obvious want behind every single inch of skin connecting, mapping different patterns and curves of their bodies. How slightly rugged Jaemin’s skin is at his jaw when he has to shave, the firm skin of his abdomen, smooth chest wide for his palms to press and slide all over. His calloused hands from writing too much, he’s learning to memorize Jaemin.

Jeno doesn’t feel ashamed for his bare legs, Jaemin’s hands burning and tracing his stomach mindlessly, busy eyeing the increasing snow in Jeno’s garden. His parents are still sleeping, too early for them to be up and heading to work. He’s not sure they will mind finding them pressed like this, Jeno has a feeling his mother already knows.

He’s no good hiding the soft and long stares, naturally occupying each other’s space a little too freely to be just friends, all red cheeks and fingers trapped together under the table.

He doesn’t mind their skin’s exposure but when he faces Jaemin’s bare body with a pair of boxers as the only piece of clothing on him, Jeno gets shy. Jaemin pecks his nose, hands roaming at his sides and Jeno clings their chests together.

“Can’t sleep?”.

There’s a short hum followed by Jeno settling to the boy’s chest, shut vision listening to Jaemin’s breaths. And as unsettling his night was, everything seems to be falling into the right place around Jaemin’s protective hold. 

Being home alone most of the time has its own benefits, one being able to watch Jaemin moving around his kitchen only wearing sweatpants, lost in the unfamiliar space where Jeno’s family keeps pans and ladles. He nests at the high stool, looking through sleepy eyes the gorgeous boy obviously getting colder in the less heated room of the first floor open space.

Jaemin’s cheeks tighten in a mirthful smile when Jeno comes back from his room with a long sleeves shirt. The view is beautiful but he cares more about not having him catching a cold.

“Get this, showoff”.

“You like it”. Jaemin bites his bottom lip and Jeno shies away, this boy is too attractive to face in the morning. He should be used to it, if it wasn’t for the pink haired boy sultry gaze fixed since they kissed around a week ago. Jeno is not even sure how long it has been, the other’s presence being so constant.

Jaemin is quicker, grabbing Jeno’s hand gently before sitting back at his stool, one hand falling on the boy’s chest. He has to look down, feeling the dazzling smile on him, around his chest when Jaemin chuckles and teases leaning closer to his space.

“What?”. Asks with a sugar coated voice breaking a smile from Jeno as well, still escaping the other’s proximity turning his head to the side. Bad idea, his neck free of access, Jaemin not losing the chance to press his mouth there in a long trail down the space right above his collarbone. 

Jeno is addicted, too weak to push Jaemin away, letting a sound when his skin wets in a sucked mark. He cranes his neck, exposed and willingly letting the good looking pink flirt latch his mouth, blown by the closeness.

He sniffs noisily, catching a prickling burning smell with a wince. “I think you just burned our toasts”.

Jaemin shakes his head in a chuckle, aware of Jeno’s amusement and small victory, walking over the burnt bread with a pointed finger. “Your fault for being so distracting”.

Jeno raises his hands and shoulders like he’s been accused of the biggest crime. “I did nothing!”.

Focusing on his physics book is demanding with Jaemin around, trailing back to the boy highlighting notes and chewing on a melted lollipop around his lips. He understands Jaemin when Jeno does nothing and yet it is distracting, he can’t tear his eyes away. Maybe it’s the cheesy phase he’s experiencing, Jaemin being the first person he can move around so candidly with.

Jeno looks over the couch, his mother inspecting a Christmas magazine looking for inspiration, planning to finally decorate their bare tree closed in a box until today, the whole Lee family too busy to gather some time for these trifles. Glad for his mother’s presence, there’s nothing too impulsive Jeno can do, bumping his socked feet with Jaemin’s, gaining a questioning look.

His fingertips slink towards Jaemin’s hand holding the highlighter, moving onto the wooden table, index smoothing down the boy’s palm. Jaemin hooks his pinky around it, getting back at his notes with a smile and Jeno’s hand trailing with his through the pages.

“You guys wanna help me with the tree?”.

Jeno jostles at the table, startled by his mother’s voice, hand withdrawn over the book.

“Of course”. Says calmly Jaemin for him, Jeno wincing at the hit.

“We should bring Neve out first, I think she’d like to play with snow”.

Jeno’s mother gets up from her cozy fireplace spot, reaching the boys at the table and threads her fingers around Jeno’s messy hair, Jaemin grinning at his shy grimace.

Jeno wasn’t ready for the cold, already missing the fireplace heat when his face showers in breezy snow falling and dissolving on his cheekbones, Neve an enthusiast of cold temperatures not leaving time for Jeno to register how snowy it is, dashing out the door.

He almost loses the grip on her leash and his beanie in the process, running quickly and enjoys her paws disappearing in the rather high layers of snow, snout wet and adorable.

Considering hillside colder temperatures, it’s rare to see snow attaching at the ground well and thick like it does now. He steps and wets the brown boots, not able to see trampled grass under his footprints and only white stretching for miles. 

Jaemin holds his hand, swaying them together and Jeno is sulky when he can’t feel the boy’s skin covered with gloves, walking side by side.

This thing he has with Jaemin, is something to look forward to, something special he wants to work on. There’s fear niggling around his current happiness hull, not optimist enough to think it will last for long. 

Ponderous same old ghost not keeping him able to sleep soundly for one entire night, hidden at the end of the wood’s snow, waiting the distractive freshness of young love to consume it with its heat, one day meeting the bone dry soil of summer.

Season brings memories, as they walk around the field leading to the war memorial of their small village, a bunch of cheerful kids there throwing snowballs in a chaotic fight and for a split moment Jeno sees him and Jaemin there.

Nine years old Jeno and Jaemin get their small curious noses out of their homes, finding they were not the only ones opting for the wide space of the olive trees field, meeting some older kids like Jaehyun and Johnny, already in middle school. Jeno also remembers the trouncing hit of Jaehyun at a lamppost, crying his eyes out from the painful collision; they were playing with trash can lids used as snowboards, taking advantage of the steep downhill there and too careless in their young antics. Jeno is sure Jaehyun never tried it again in the next year where snow graced them again.

It is odd to watch those young kids in front of them right now, how much will change in their little lives soon. Growing up is really like blinking; the first time he briefly had lashes darkening his view Jaehyun was leaving the city after graduating, god knows what he’s doing now. Another blink and Johnny left the lonely town as well, moving to Chicago where his parents are from to study the same faculty his father did. 

After several blinks, Jeno and Jaemin are holding hands as they sit at a bench full of snow, wetting their jackets. All the kids got distracted by Neve’s playful tricks, much bigger than them. She looks like a very wide stuffed animal under the small palms of a girl trying to hug as much fur as she can reach, making Jaemin coo.

The sweet girl looks at Jeno, eyes so blue they remind him of iced water, cheeks red and tip of her button nose frozen. She’s wearing a pink beanie that covers her eyebrows, one small hand sitting on top of Jeno’s knee.

“Why are you holding hands?”. 

Jeno flusters around the innocent question, Jaemin completely fond of the girl.

“When you like someone it’s nice to hold hands”. Jeno takes a glimpse of Jaemin when he speaks for him, a lovely pout as he leans to hear the small kid better. She’s tiny and her naivety is purer than the snow falling up their shoulders. Jaemin loves children, no wonder he’s taken the chance to interact and already introduce himself to all the babies there. Jeno’s heart is weak for him, too caught up in the adorable sight.

“What’s your name?”. The kid still watches Jeno, grabby hands asking to get on his lap, and Jeno sheepishly lets the kid there, shy by her dripping naivety eyes, almost as if she can read through Jeno’s soul.

“I’m Jeno, what’s yours?”.

“Alice”. She tells with her squeaky young voice, hand wrapping around Jeno’s fingers. “Jeno, you like Jaemin a lot! You don’t leave his hand”.

Jeno huffs some air in one very embarrassed laugh, nodding while cupping one hand around the children’s ear. “I think I love him”.

Alice gasps and Jeno puts his finger in front of his mouth quickly, the tip of his ears red when he glances at a curious Jaemin. “It’s a secret between you and me”.

“I’ll keep it!”.

“Pinky promise?”.

As Jeno’s pinky meets the very tiny one of Alice, the memorial’s space echoes with Jaemin’s charming complaints.

“Right on time for the lights and the new star I bought for the tree!”. Jeno’s mother says when they get back home, Neve shaking an absurd amount of snow all over the floor gaining a whine from everyone, freeing them of cold jackets before cleaning the mess.

Jaemin is impossibly clingy when they get inside Jeno’s room, presses him at the closed door feeling his cold lips melting around him. He lets him be, pliantly opening his mouth and sighing when Jaemin sucks at the tip of his tongue, hands latching around Jaemin’s neck.

It’s sweet, Jaemin always is, slow and dizzy when he pulls away. 

They do get back―fast enough for not being interrupted by Jeno’s mother, in the living room, lowering around boxes she got out the narrow humid attic of their house. She leaves them to it, saying they have long legs to reach the tree easier, walking towards her bedroom holding a smaller tree she keeps in her master bedroom.

She left to Christmas music roaming around the living room space, fireplace’s warmth stirring with it and the cute snoring of Neve settled in her corner. 

Jeno doesn’t do much other than staring enamoured at Jaemin from the couch and he must be looking silly. The boy is currently freeing his hair from the beanie, wearing loose gym clothes and a pair of red socks moving around the parquet with the music, the only one making an effort to set the tree lights. His hair goes in a variety of directions, the untidy look not making Jaemin any less beautiful, vibrant around the decorated space.

Jeno moves closer, watching him busy twirling lights around the tree, muscles of his arms flexing as he reaches closer to the top and Jeno gulps at the view. Jaemin has no flaws, especially inside his heart, where it matters. And Jeno is attracted to it; he registers late his hands are feeling the boy’s fit torso, restraining himself from slipping them under the shirt.

He ghosts his lips around Jaemin’s jaw, pressing a careful long kiss there, hissing the breath out of him. Jaemin keeps himself focused as much as the situation allows him, losing his grip on the light’s wire feeling Jeno’s teeth nipping a spot on his skin.

“Baby, what are you doing?”.

Jaemin’s low voice does something to the pit of his stomach, pressing closer to Jaemin leaving a chaste kiss on his cheek. His mother might be done with the tree and about to come down soon, still it’s not a good reason for him to leave Jaemin’s warmth.

“You’re a little too handsome to be left alone”.

“Hmm”. Jaemin fixes the lights, keeping Jeno attached to him holding one of his hands around his middle, swinging them to the music, Jeno leaving one very whipped giggle.

Jaemin turns in Jeno’s hold when he’s finished, stroking his cheek for the other to lean in. It’s easy, they already get how to move in each other’s spaces, knowing Jeno is fragile for faint touches, easily falls for them, preen at the attention.

Jaemin’s gaze flashes with fear, recoiling from Jeno who turns and meets his mother from where she stands halfway through the stairs. Jeno has a humming bird slamming around his ribs before he recognizes that positive worrywart look, gaze softening at Jaemin’s wide and panicked eyes.

“Oh, sweetie”. She says, almost running towards Jaemin, closing him in a bone crushing hug. Jeno blinks twice at the scene, not sure of what to do until his mother turns and says “You too, Jen” reaching one of her short arms to grab him as well.

They must look comical with their bewildered expressions, albeit Jeno knew she was at least suspecting something close to the truth.

And nothing could break Jeno’s bubble of happiness, feverish in the glaring unfolding of events, apart when he falls from the highest cloud in the night, waking up around the old familiar pool of sweat, immediately grasping Jaemin’s shirt almost desperately. And how liberated and terrified at the same time he feels, finding chunky tears falling in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably he gets gross, watery snot out of his nose.

Jeno’s glad for his deepened relationship with Jaemin, feels it in the way he keeps him closer, hand at Jeno’s nape guiding to his chest. 

He kisses Jeno’s temples, tells him it’s okay, he’s not alone but Jeno is petrified. He feels too far, unreachable in his troubled mental state, fearing all he has with Jaemin who doesn’t let go once, soothing hands around his spine. Jeno takes deep breaths, ending up in some other ugly sobs, dying down slowly.

None of them dares to say anything for a while, Jeno finding the courage to meet Jaemin’s eyes, heart clenching in pain when all he sees is worry. He can’t drag him along with his messy brain, Jeno cares too much about him. Honestly, Jeno loves him, loves Jaemin so much it will feel like tearing apart a piece of him, Jaemin already took an irreplaceable spot able to bring him back from that sinkhole inside him.

“I’m scared, Jaemin. I know you don’t completely get what I’m going through, hell, I’m not even sure of that myself. I’m scared, I fear it will tear us apart”.

Jeno’s taking a daring step, like he’s been falling down a cliff, coming clean with his fear of sharing. Jaemin deserves to know.

“Jeno, no, hey”. He cups his cheek, noticing Jaemin’s eyes are watery and it hurts him. “One step at a time, okay? I’m not planning to leave”.

Jaemin shifts so he can leave a peck that’s more like a short hint of chapped lips against Jeno’s wet ones, eyes filled with a hope Jeno wants to follow. 

“Your only concern right now should be the present, and if you think it’s not enough and want to look further, then let’s focus on tomorrow”.

“What will happen tomorrow?”. Jeno cringes at his croaky voice, unsettled with a closed lump in his throat.

“We’ll wake up”. Jaemin smiles, mellow and thumbs some tears away under Jeno’s eyes. “Have breakfast, we’ll most definitely be alone but”. His voice gets higher, more energized “Your mother made a cake, we can steal some of it”.

“I know you’re always here for my mother’s cooking and not for me”.

Jaemin makes a dramatic gasp and Jeno does find himself smiling, sure he looks terrible.

“I’ll ignore this one big lie you said here”. He narrows his eyes at Jeno “We can take it easy tomorrow, one day without studying won’t kill us. We could lay in bed all day”. Jaemin kisses another tear off Jeno’s face. “So I can spoil you with all this love I have to give”.

“I don’t deserve you”. Jeno sniffs, weight of tears pressing again at the corner of his eyes.

“Oh no, that’s the great part, baby. You do deserve all the attention of the world”.

“Cheesy”.

“Very”. Jaemin keeps Jeno even closer if possible, their chests squashed together at a hair length. “And your cheesy boyfriend will make sure you do get some proper sleep tonight”.

Like Jaemin was trying to prove his words and manifested strongly a night of sleep, Jeno knocks out lulled by his fingers combing through his hair.

They do spend the next day lazing in bed, bed sheets crumpled under their backs and tangling weirdly around the legs. It’s still snowing, there’s nothing much they can do, tired limbs dragging heavy steps only to take Neve out for her daily walks.

Jaemin gets roped two days by Renjun, wanting to take a study meeting concluding in a sleepover with his university mates before leaving for China. Asks Jeno if he wants to tag along, declining the offer because as much as he likes having Jaemin for himself, it’s healthy for them to have their own alone times.

He still drives Jaemin to the city, only planning to wish Renjun happy holidays, knowing he doesn’t care a single bit about Christmas and maybe Jeno says it solely to tease him. Renjun is unbothered, mainly anticipating seeing his family rather than any activity related to the merry spirit he’ll have to face.

Jaemin makes sure to give him one of those kisses Jeno would grimace at if he saw them from a random couple in the street, currently melting in the stuffy body of his boyfriend’s big jacket. Renjun fake gags at them, only a very big smile betraying him.

“About time”. He says, waving goodbye at Jeno when he leaves.

Jeno’s hands tremble inside his pockets getting out of the apartment complex, uneasy at the thought of being alone, something quite new. He has a restless anxiety from being on his own outside his house since the first year of university to be fair, albeit the end of classes and how much he stayed indoors with Jaemin got him used to spare the unsettling layer on his skin as he walks through crowded streets.

Before thinking of texting Chenle, who’s most definitely busy as well packing or probably is already on his flight, Jeno takes a deep breath and hides inside some shops, taking the opportunity to find gifts for his family.

Jeno always enjoyed silence, being alone, until his mind started to play tricks on him, growing mean. He’s content with all he has, Jeno lacks nothing and should consider himself lucky, feeling even worse not finding an actual reason for his mood swings.

He gets inside a shop, drawn by the nice smell mixed with warmth coming outside in big puffs of air, finding a pair of earrings for his mother, his main goal. He likes the ones exhibited in the shop window, of an emerald color and he tiptoes around the shop hoping it doesn’t cost too much, looking over other pieces before asking the salesgirl.

There’s a necklace of a silver color, small circle in the middle with a bare tree shape engraved that catches Jeno’s attention. It is simple, reminds him of the trees’ view from his balcony during this exact season, waiting for leaves to grow back. Reminds him of how the woods looked after that one summer wildfire, sky so dark in the day it gave a chill down his spine every time he anxiously glanced out of the window and saw helicopters throwing water to make it die down.

Reminds him of Jaemin, walking under shadows longer than the ones his lashes cast down his cheeks, of their precious safe woods keeping secrets, witnessing their first kiss.

“Hi I’m Yeeun, can I help you?”.

Jeno blinks his thoughts away, blushing in front of the kind looking girl. If he looks better, she has a weary look under her perfect makeup, he can’t really blame her. This must be an awful time for probably underpaid workers. Maybe Renjun is right.

“I uhm-”. What is he supposed to say? He kind of wants to take the necklace for Jaemin, show some material gratitude. Jaemin most definitely doesn’t care about gifts, or maybe he does. Jeno is evidently struggling in front of the girl with a black bob cut, thinks he has already seen her around university; nothing out of the ordinary, many students work in the city, especially the ones moving from further to study. 

“Is it for someone special? Looks like it”. 

“Yeah, ehm, he- I mean, they’re”.

Yeeun chuckles, perfect nails covering her mouth. “It’s okay darling, he?”.

“We’re kind of official, but I don’t want anything too extreme and this necklace seems pretty nice and simple, I think he’ll like it”.

Yeeun's smile is narrow in a fond look, one making Jeno question whether she might understand him more than anyone else in the shop, and almost wants to hug her; he truly looks like a lost puppy inside the all glass shiny white shop.

“We have some variants if you’re unsure, I can show them to you and also discuss prices”.

Yeeun is kind, showing him some other options. She also notices the way Jeno’s eyes always trail back to the first necklace, taking it off the case to Jeno’s palms so he can have a better look.

“You really like this one, don’t you?”.

Jeno nods, the tree shaped pendant really spoke to him, thinking a necklace with his initials would be corny and so not something he’d gift anyone.

“It kind of has meaning, the tree. I’m sure he’ll get it”.

“What’s his name?”.

Jeno finds himself caught in unspoken trust with the girl, her being the first gentle company in the city after a rough hour of wandering alone with mild anxiety.

“Jaemin”. Jeno tries to hide his blooming smile, posing the necklace back on the glass table. “Truthfully, I never thought I’d found myself looking for a gift to someone like him”.

“Oh you’re so sweet I’d hug you”. Jeno looks at her, he probably wouldn’t mind a hug; maybe also a friendship, he should make sure to visit this shop more. Or he’s probably being stupid and the girl is just trying to do her job nicely.

He rethinks it when Yeeun looks around and actually gives him a brief hug, smelling of fruity fragrances and everything nice. She’s pretty and easy-going, carrying Jeno inside her lovely bubble.

“Want me to make a nice package for it?”. Yeeun takes the necklace and settles in the box with her precise hands, moving onto the other side of the table where Jeno can see ribbons and pouches and a mess of scissors hidden in a drawer.

The necklace turns out to not be that expensive, Jeno thinking ‘screw it’ when he robs Yeeun of more time asking a female, and even more, an expert opinion most likely better than his to choose his mother’s earrings. 

When Jeno comes home he plops on the couch exhausted, mentally making fun of himself because there’s nothing to be tired of. He sends a text to Jaemin, telling him to have fun, receiving a long line of red hearts in return.

Jeno gets it where Jaemin got all that merry spirit during December’s days, his parents taking Christmas extremely seriously falling into some real hectic preparations, stealing his boyfriend most of the time and Jeno never finds the right moment to give him his present.

Apparently Jaemin doesn’t either, currently sulking as he calls him inside his parent’s car, on the way to his grandparents house at a three hours ride far from Jeno. It was impromptu, going away two days earlier than the precise schedule Soomin organized on her calendar displayed in the Na’s kitchen. He’s currently glad for being clingy asking for many kisses the last time he saw Jaemin, at least he can hold onto those for the time they’ll spend apart. Jeno has gotten incredibly fatuous around Jaemin, can’t help it. 

Jeno dives in his parents’ attention instead, content with them being home. He’s never loved noise more than those days; of the frying food in the pan, the gentle music his father plays on the guitar, his parents laughing playing chess in front of the fireplace.

On Christmas night, after all his relatives are gone and there’s only a living room to clean up and too much gift wrap to pick up from under their tree, Jeno rests his head at his father’s shoulder, squished between his parents on their couch, watching some old family videos.

They laugh at one of young Jeno sassily making a catwalk show in his mother’s sunglasses and beach bag bigger than his body, dramatically posing for his grandparents to laugh at the confidence flaunted around.

His parents are always full of love for Jeno, for all the decisions he’s been taking in life, supporting him like an almost invisible hand permanently secured behind his back. Jeno’s lucky, this is not something anyone can take for granted.

Thinks of his mother’s reaction finding out about him and Jaemin, how respectfully she stayed quiet and is waiting for Jeno to come out of his shell himself. And Jeno ready is, closing his eyes in their parents embrace.

“Dad”. His father makes a small nod, he’s listening. “Jaemin and I are dating, he’s my boyfriend”.

He cups Jeno’s cheek with his calloused fingers after years spent working nonstop and fingertips stiffened by his beloved guitar’s chords, eyes still fondly lost in the tv. “He looks at you like he loves you. We’re proud of you Jen, I hope you two will be happy”.

Jeno didn’t think he’d start crying, moved and jittery by the overwhelming love he feels, nestling in his father’s chest, feeling the weight of his mother engulfing his back with warmth.

In the morning of the 31st, Jeno watches his mother packing the last things she needs inside her suitcase, him sprawled on her tidy bed sheets; she makes a face when he throws his body ungraciously there.

“What are you guys doing tonight? Any party in the city I should be aware of?”.

His mother trusts him, her only concern is people around Jeno, not how he deals around people. Jeno has always been a responsible teen, never getting himself purposely into trouble and they’re all aware of it, never needing many warnings when he started getting out to parties or less childish gatherings.

Jeno always had a few drinks, never smoked or took anything weird and now he’s the one driving most of the time he doesn’t even touch alcohol anymore. There’s nothing to really fear if danger is only one sided.

“We’ll stay at Jaemin’s, our friends are all home to their families”.

They are, except for Donghyuck and some kid named Jisung attending one of those parties organized by university facebook students groups, none of them enthusiastic at the idea.

She hums, folding sweaters. She seems to be thinking her words, Jeno can hear her brain gears moving and creaking.

“I know you don’t want to hear these things from your parents but, be careful you two”. She glances over Jeno who seems to be still interpreting her words “You’re two boys, that doesn’t exclude you from any diseases and we never talk about it so if you’re not sure about being clean then-”.

“Please, mom”. Jeno runs his palms over his face, boiling with embarrassment. “I’m a virgin, if that’s what you’re wondering”.

She makes a small ‘Oh’ sound, hand resting at his leg. “Still, you can’t know about Jaemin and you might not even be planning to do anything, I’m just checking on you, mother duties”.

Her voice comes out slightly higher and it's funny if she wasn't trying to pursue ‘the sex talk’.

“Sure”. Comes Jeno’s clipped answer, still getting up to kiss his mother’s cheek. “Thank you and don’t worry, when the day comes we’ll be careful”.

Jeno says goodbye to his and Jaemin’s parents, left alone for an hour getting ready before heading to Jaemin’s, Neve staying with his grandparents, finally taking the chance to steal the dog for themselves. He’s completely left alone, with an external silence unfazing him when there’s so much inside his mind creating noise.

He’s in front of the mirror, bare chest dripping with water after showering, and his mother’s words come back as a delayed echo. 

Jeno is completely inexperienced, never had sex or anything remotely close that doesn’t invole his own hand. He can’t tell for sure if it’s the same with Jaemin, they never talked about it, albeit he has a feeling his boyfriend does know how to get around it.

He can figure it from the calm and confident drag his hands have when their kisses get heated, how he never minds Jeno taking courage and pressing their bodies closer. Thinks of the effect he has on Jaemin, felt it against him, more than once, noticing his own thoughts made him flush.

If Jeno wants to do it with Jaemin? Of course he does, there’s a natural trust feeling too right to be real sitting inside him. They’ve been taking it slow, not even a month of dating and Jaemin doesn’t seem the type to force him in any way, probably thinks even trying to suggest it might be wrong. 

Jeno never cared before, despite today in the bathroom, taken over the whole sex dilemma Jeno does shave clean, feeling an edgy shaking in his wrists when he fixes his hair before leaving the house.

Jaemin came back yesterday from his grandparents, deciding to meet a little earlier than dinner, giving him time to fix his suitcase and just get comfortable at home.

Jeno stopped at one of those random shops selling whatever you need in the city a few days ago, happy in satisfaction to see Jaemin laughing when he opens the door and finds his boyfriend wearing a ridiculous glittery party hat.

“Ready to be the youngest couple of elders in town?”. He says, backpack falling at the entrance to embrace Jaemin.

“You act like you hate it”. There he is; his handsome, flirty, beautiful boyfriend giving his signature gleaming smile.

“No, I actually think this is our best idea yet”. Jeno closes his eyelids at the same time he feels Jaemin’s minty breath falling against his lips, brain shutting everything but the hot tongue slipping to lick the roof of his mouth, making a sound in immediate response.

He missed him, missed doing this. Jeno’s a little too touchy, hands roaming around his shoulder blades back to his chest, not minding the chilly air from the door still wide open, busy shaping his lips according to Jaemin’s kisses on the hungry side to which he gladly complies.

Jaemin pulls away breathless, eyes scanning his face with a smirk and a thumb pressing his cheek. “What happened to you?”.

“Missed you”. Jeno pecks him again “A lot”.

Before his blood can boil in the wrong places, still heated by Jaemin’s addictive self he detaches, backpack picked up from the floor and runs into the kitchen. He sees the pink haired boy standing there, fond smirk still on and eyebrows briefly wiggling playfully seeing Jeno’s head peeking from the kitchen’s door.

“Come on, let’s make this dinner!”.

Jeno is satisfied with their work. He left most of the cooking to Jaemin, someone who can actually make good recipes done without burning stoves or towels (Jeno can speak from experience here). He prepared their table instead, smoothing down a red tablecloth, wine glasses taken from his parents– he asked for those, and paper plates because they’re trying to not make a mess here.

Of course Jaemin has flowers for the occasion, a cliche bouquet made of holly, mistletoe and red Christmas flowers all tied with the most ridiculous sparkly gold ribbon. It decorates the center of their table, Jaemin’s speakers playing some music making Jeno shake his hips to the rhythm as he settles forks and knives.

They also decided to exchange gifts tomorrow, not caring much about specific timelines when all of this was so they could be together, truly missing each other. Jaemin doesn’t say anything about Jeno staying pressed to him as he cooks, test tasting from time to time their dinner.

He suddenly feels an adult. Call him a dreamer if he can imagine them older and in their own house in a future where they still spend winter holidays together like this. They’ve done all by themselves, toasting white wine once they’re sitting at the table, across from each other. 

Drinking without any responsibilities because Jeno won’t take the car is freeing. Jaemin’s food is really good, complimenting him every time he takes a bite it gets comical, the cook laughing with his mouth full at some point, intertwining their fingers on the table.

“I need two hands to eat”. Jeno makes a funny face, fork floating around his hand.

Despite the amazing cooking skills, Jeno’s stomach is full, having a butterflies feast already celebrating the new year with how violently it moves the pit of it, even more at every longing glance shared with Jaemin. 

There’s wine, it tastes good, of fizzy happiness for a colorful night in the spirit and all the glitzy decorations they got in the living room. Jaemin carefully takes his eyes on him, thinking he might know what’s going on with Jeno, might perceive his thoughts process, one finger stroking his wrist. 

So Jeno does what he’s best at, distracting himself. He gets up, pulling Jaemin with him when Gloria Graynor’s Can’t take my eyes off of you plays, hearing the song in New Year’s playlists or cd collections for years; since he was young and spending the end of the year with his parents and uncles, the happy violins to the upbeat music playing more than familiar.

He thinks the song speaks right through him, singing the lyrics to Jaemin circling his hands around Jeno’s waist, like he always does, habit of sneaky warm palms he loves so much.

“You’d be like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much”. Jaemin sings back, surprising Jeno.

“You know the song?”.

“Who doesn’t”. Jaemin suddenly kisses his neck, Jeno’s hips jerking up unintentionally and pressing closer to Jaemin. He raises an eyebrow at him, keeping his lips around his skin. How much Jeno wants him, is written in his body, moaning loudly in the room when he feels Jaemin pressing their hips together in a stronger friction, lips opening up to breath.

Jaemin seems a bit too lost licking a strip of skin at his throat, tilting Jeno back with a firm arm around his spine and Jeno’s leg mildly crawls up closer Jaemin’s waist, giving access to a deeper contact between them he flutters under him, moaning again.

Jaemin rests a hand around Jeno’s thigh, noticing his own trembling and eyes heavier than before, glinting with lust Jeno doesn’t know what to do with his hands, one circling Jaemin’s neck, the other opening around his chest.

“What is it, baby?”. Jeno’s breath shudders on Jaemin’s neck at the words, his boyfriend groaning too and he can feel how hard he is. Jeno guides Jaemin’s hands under his lower back, thrusting against him and the low moan Jaemin makes has his legs wobble, almost falling if it isn’t for his boyfriend ready to catch him.

It’s overwhelming, and good, too good Jeno can’t hold it back now. He’s been harboring it for a while, and does when his flushed face giggles, hand falling back to stand up properly.

“It’s hot in here, huh”.

“Yeah”. Jaemin says, high pitched, breathless and almost questioning. “I have an idea to cool down”.

Jeno agrees when he sees the bathtub of the Na's main bathroom, of rectangular shape. It’s an indoor jacuzzi, extremely fancy to Jeno’s eyes, watching Jaemin shirtless with a hand under the spout searching just the right temperature for the water.

They definitely calmed down, allowing some silence filled with anticipation; Jeno still feels hot all over just facing Jaemin’s bareback, sitting next to him at the border.

“Nana”. His finger slides down Jaemin’s spine, skin filling with goosebumps after him. “I’ve never been naked around anyone”.

Jaemin turns, warming brown eyes on sight and for a moment Jeno thinks nothing can go wrong, ever. “I know Jen. We don’t have to do anything, if it worries you. Also you’re beautiful, I don’t mind at all”.

“Hey”. He playfully slaps Jaemin’s arm, gaining confidence to strip off his clothes. “Don’t look''.

“I could help you instead”.

“Oh shut up”.

Jaemin goes for a full blown laugh, beautiful and attractive in amusement. He turns the water off, waiting for Jeno without facing him, as he asked.

Jeno bites his lip seeing Jaemin bare body from behind, he knows. It is ridiculous not wanting him to look when they’ll slip together in a small space, still, it gives him some sort of courage when Jaemin blindly stretches his palm open for Jeno behind him, closing their clasped hands.

Jaemin dips his legs in first, Jeno following, finding one hand staying at Jaemin’s hip, sighing when he feels the warm water engulfing him. As he promised, the space is small when they sit, Jaemin still not turning, waiting for Jeno to ask him.

As gross as it sounds, Jeno hit the jackpot with Jaemin. He’s not sure he can find another guy with a kinder heart, respectful, lovely and stupidly attractive at every hour of the day.

Jeno dips his hands in the water, wetting Jaemin’s shoulder and moves his fingers around his tense muscles, collecting nerves under his thumbs, Jaemin stretching his back for him. 

The firmness of it reminds Jeno of that one time he gave comfort to an almost fainting Jaemin after running together, now the press is extremely familiar and seems a lifetime ago, how hesitant Jeno was to even be around his space.

He kisses Jaemin’s nape, bites gently the skin there, sliding hands on his shoulders down the arms.

“I want to see you”.

Even before Jaemin can turn, Jeno knows he’s smiling, not less affected by the dazzling stretch of lips as he presses his back at the bathtub. Jaemin opens his legs covered by soapy bubbles and Jeno finds place between them, hands resting at his sides leaning in for a languid kiss.

Jeno does truly melt into it, taking all the novelty it carries. He slowly comfortably straddles Jaemin, tongue mapping a dirty kiss, one with no ounce of teeth, only their tongues loudly snapping in the echoing bathroom, Jeno’s hums sound more like small moans.

They arouse Jaemin, growing against their hips, pressing palms lower until they reach Jeno’s ass, grabbing his skin there.

Jeno splashes water around with his jittery legs and arms, turned on and not able to control his emotions as Jaemin can tame them with experience. 

“Shit”. Jeno curses, grinding down Jaemin. Water mitigates everything, his reaction only coming from being so close and awfully intimate right now, experiencing this new side of Jaemin.

“Is this okay? Do you like it?”.

Jaemin asks and all Jeno can do is nod and kiss back, fingers trying to curl for a moment around Jaemin’s cock, stroking down like he’d to himself and the choked moan that gets out of him makes Jeno whine too.

“You’re good, baby, tell me if it gets too much”.

“I want more, can we move to your bed?”.

Jaemin looks at him, mouth open, all luscious eyes stroking Jeno’s cheek before he picks him up, getting both of them out of the bathtub. Jeno chuckles for a moment when he secures his hands around Jaemin’s waist, seeing the boy struggle to cover them with a towel. Yeah, he figures those romantic scenes only belong to movies, not finding the time to care when a reality involving Jaemin is even better.

Jaemin’s bed is comfortable, their bodies carrying water wetting the sheets into a cold mess, if it wasn’t for their driven burning bodies they would freeze.

Jeno’s hickeys on the other’s skin start blooming in purple, wondering if he looks the same. Jaemin licks and bites skin to the line of his jaw, nipping his earlobe.

“Is there anything you want me to do?”.

“I don’t know”. Jeno blushes, shaking his head hesitating. Jaemin seems to be catching on, letting him know again there’s nothing he can’t ask. He plays with the boy’s hair, pressing his lips into a line. “I just really like your lips on me”.

“I have an idea”. Another kiss on his cheek. “Something I’m gladly down to do”.

Jeno presses Jaemin down to create some kind of contact, Jaemin’s chest rising and falling quicker kissing Jeno, with the same slow, damp draw of his tongue, fingers trailing to Jeno’s nipple, down his abdomen and around his open legs, tracing his groin and Jeno shakes impulsively, gasping a groan.

“What if I get my lips”. He ghosts one finger around his rim, Jeno making a rather loud noise arching his back to feel something. “Down here”.

Jeno is delirious, sure he’s not heard him well. He cups Jaemin’s cheek, shutting eyes when he slowly keeps running his finger around his rim, not pushing in, the water’s slick not enough to not hurt Jeno, carefully watching his body reacting so well.

“Would that feel good?”. 

Jaemin chuckles, shifting down Jeno’s body, hands holding his legs open and takes one bold slip of his tongue inside Jeno, getting a priceless sound off him. 

“Fuck, Nana, I –”.

“Does it feel good?”.

Jaemin is satisfied to see Jeno sit on his face, as despite his burning cheeks, there’s an odd gratification being so pliant for him. Nothing feels real; Jaemin’s hands spread him wide, the slick inside him arching his back against the boy’s mouth, some guttural obscene sounds he never thought they could come out of him.

In the haze of it, Jeno only focuses on his flushed legs, avoiding pressing too much weight on Jaemin’s face, the other’s hands around his thighs soothing and trying to bring him closer and relaxed.

Jeno wants to cover his face, if his arms aren't busy steading himself on Jaemin’s legs, facing the boy’s bedroom stairs. Music is still cheerfully playing downstairs, too early to be celebrating as they consume whatever this high rushing through his body can be called.

Another choked sound comes when Jaemin wraps his fingers around his length, thumb circling around the tip, hips shuddering back to Jaemin’s tongue. It's all too much and addictive at the same time, trying to reach that building pain he’s enjoying amplified because it's Jaemin’s tongue inside him, Jaemin’s hand touching his most intimate parts.

Jeno doesn’t care anymore, letting his throat emit sounds he knows will have him blush at the memory once this is over, Jaemin’s sudden erratic flick of his wrist around him and a moan rumbling from his lips pressed on Jeno is a positive answer him being noisy has an effect on him.

“Am I too loud?”.

He makes something between a sob and a whine, Jaemin detaching from Jeno only to have his back pressed back on the mattress, hovering him. The sudden lack of warmth makes him shiver, soon replaced by Jaemin’s lips back on his, hungry and a bit desperate, losing the firm self control he had in Jeno’s hold when they started, curling his hands on the boy’s hips to help him grind down.

“You sound beautiful Jeno, you can be noisy for me”. 

He kisses back, not minding if Jaemin’s tongue was right up his rim until now, hands latching his neck when Jaemin strokes him between kisses, swallowing every sound.

Jeno spills between them, on Jaemin’s hand and his own stomach, it’s gross and sticky and he should hurry up to clean it, but there’s something he cares more about sitting at the end of his fingertips, in the press at Jaemin’s sides. He wants to please Jaemin, wants to get out of him the same sounds.

Jaemin’s back finds the mattress and he curiously stares at Jeno, on top of him straddling his legs. He hesitates, not sure he can match what Jaemin just did to him. He sees his beautiful body glistening sweat and water, pliant for him to do what he wants. It’s that freedom, to make Jeno blush, hiding his face in boy’s crook of his neck just kissing with more tongue than anything his skin, palms roaming the smooth space of his broad chest.

“Please don’t laugh at me”. He whispers, replacing his hands by sticking chapped lips around Jaemin’s nipples, tongue tracing the line of his abs and his fingers find interest stroking his inner thighs, Jaemin taking a deep breath inflating his chest under Jeno’s lips.

Despite having no idea how to do a blowjob, something completely out of his league when he’s never received it nor done it to one soul, there’s the lingering want to please Jaemin; in a brave push, kissing down his pelvic area where he feels his boyfriend shutter up against his face in a brief irregular move.

It makes Jeno look up, conscious of Jaemin’s sultry gaze fixed on him, fingers threading inside Jeno’s messy hair.

“We can stop whenever you want, okay? You don’t owe me anything”.

Jeno kisses his inner thigh, trail of kisses closer to his painful hard on.

“I want to, I’m just- yeah. It won’t be that great”.

Jaemin smiles, thumb lingering on Jeno’s lower lip, he stops to bite it gently. “I’ll guide you”.

Jeno thinks it’s better to just start, positive it is okay to wrap his fingers at the base, tongue twirling around the tip, Jaemin’s hair nestling in his hair feeling a little too nice. He closes his eyes, flattens his tongue around it trying to only have the skin of his lips sliding down Jaemin’s dick. He’s heard before you shouldn’t use your teeth, it’s sensitive there and it hurts and everything, discovering it is damn hard not to without feeling his throat hurting.

Props to all the girls he befriended in the past who talked about blowjobs around Jeno, this is really hard work. His mouth starts hurting from opening wide around Jaemin, blowing his cheeks up his shaft, trying to contain all the spit falling down his chin, hearing the boy hiss in something seeming more like pain than pleasure.

His eyes flash immediately up Jaemin, him shaking his head with a smile.

“Teeth”. He drags out in a moan, Jeno apparently doing something good in the meanwhile. He takes out for air, feeling all his spit drooling at the corners of his mouth, he must look ridiculous and for some reason Jaemin seems to be enjoying it. 

“Sorry”. He makes an apologetic face, swallowing him again. He takes a while to get the hang of it, until he realizes flattening his tongue around him as he blows down is the key to make Jaemin’s hips stutter, knowing he's trying his best to not move Jeno’s head against him. 

“Jeno, baby, I’m close”. Jaemin pants madly and maybe Jeno is hard again, how can’t he when all he sees and hears is the beautiful pink haired boy. “You can pull out if you don’t want to-”.

Jeno shakes his head, sucking purposefully until his mouth fills up with Jaemin’s cum, eyes shut and embedded with small tears swallowing down. It’s weird, doesn’t taste good like all the shit he read in those books when he was younger but who cares when it makes Jaemin go wide eyed, cleaning Jeno’s mouth with a thumb and lustful eyes when he pulls out. 

They stay quiet, Jeno faintly trembling as he sits up, growing cold in the room. He doesn’t regret anything, and rushes to fall inside Jaemin’s hold seeing his eyes changing into very careful ones, before he can even overthink it. Jeno is happy, letting him know by kissing his cheek and neck as soon as he rests the amount of messy brown locks at his shoulder.

His breathing is unsteady, fluttering with every soft press at his temples and forehead, hand reaching for the covers to warm them up. They’ll get clean later, now too busy dozing off under Jaemin’s sweet attention.

“Everything okay there?”. 

Jeno opens one eye, smiles cheekily lifting the corner of his lips. “Not to be filthy or anything, but I think you made me hard again with all the noise. Yes, Nana, more than okay here”.

Jaemin chuckles, grabbing one of Jeno’s legs to throw over his waist, palm sliding till his ass, leaving a squeeze for good measure. “Good, we have the whole night if you need me again”.

Jeno grimaces, trying to tackle Jaemin down and plainly finds himself under Jeno in a second, laughing almost a squeaky sound making his heart jump in his chest, fondly so.

“Okay, gross, I’ll let it pass cause it’s you”.

Jaemin grabs his waist, smashing Jeno against him very ungraciously and a lot clingy. 

“Wanna get the cake?”.

“Is this any sex code I don’t know? Nana, I’m still a virgin you know that right?”.

He can’t get tired of Jaemin’s laugh, now shaking so much Jeno bumps against him during it, giving Jaemin a mirthful expression mixed with annoyance waiting for him to speak.

“Jeno, I-”. He keeps chuckling, gasping for air at one point and Jeno pouts, hands resting at his chest. “I meant an actual cake, the one I made with my grandmother”.

“Idiot, you took it out of context!”.

“I did not!”.

Much to Jaemin’s dismay, Jeno deems him too distracting to shower together, getting back into comfortable clothes inside the kitchen, the boy’s food still smelling good and tempting this time his stomach growls loudly, Jaemin’s palms over his tummy pressing Jeno to him.

“Hungry? We can heat it up”.

“I’m starving, I couldn’t eat well before”. Jeno hesitates, thinking there’s nothing to hold back now he’s gone drastically intimate with Jaemin. “Too busy thinking about you”.

He closes his eyes at the wet lips longing for his skin, they must be gross out of their enamoured bubble. “I know, still, we should eat more if we’re planning on finishing all the wine we bought”.

That’s how they start the new year. Eating, looking corny when Jeno sits on Jaemin’s lap and feeds him cake, expresses with his whole body making a ridiculous dance for Jaemin about how good his cooking skills are. Corny and gross again, when Jeno lingers his mouth around Jaemin’s fingers stained with chocolate, alcohol making him daring looking up at him with a suggestive glance, the obvious hitch of the other’s breath satisfying.

In an instant of rationality Jeno lets them stumble on the bed again instead of the couch like Jaemin opted, caring about his poor parents, not wanting to curse it with their teenage filth. He’s not sure if it’s the alcohol or grasp of already being around Jaemin like this once, he breaks his timid steps, boldly getting lost in the night sinking his mouth down his lover again.

Jeno is maturing, not thinking about sex as horny engament of bodies anymore, carefully and pleasing to find Jaemin’s weak spots that makes his hips buckle up, shutting his eyes in a sound whenever he feels Jaemin pushing still with his same gentleness the back of his head deeper.

It’s one less messy blowjob, quicker in the darkness of the room and satisfying to lay tiredly in Jaemin’s arms, jumping when his clock hits midnight on the nightstand with a bell ring sound. Jaemin snorts, tucking Jeno’s longer locks behind his ears and kisses him.

“Happy new year”.

Jeno squeezes sleep out of his eyes, startled by light coming from the window up his head broadly brightening the room. He feels good, rested, Jaemin’s chest rising and falling under his cheek.

He snuggles closer, cold when he dares to pull an arm out, realization hitting he’s still naked. Decency had them at least wearing underwear, Jaemin grumbling a low sound from Jeno moving around, threading a leg between his.

Jaemin’s body is a furnace, pink hair knotted messily and cheeks puffed up in small snores. He’s quite adorable like this, devoid of wily smiles left alone by his youthful features. Jeno stares, because he can, there’s nothing stopping him from liberally doing it, not even Jaemin.

Stroking Jaemin’s face, feeling the pretty slope of his nose, tracing where some faint acne stays at his nape, they’re both still young. Of course they have imperfections, sleep smeared in his long lashes, chapped lips breathing out, not faltering how stunning the boy is to Jeno.

“You’re awake”. Says Jaemin, voice jaded, almost a whisper. Jeno hums, kissing the highest point of his cheekbone instead.

“Any bad dreams?”. 

Jeno gives him an eye smile Jaemin can’t see from his sleep induced words; he’s always checking on him, selfless even still half conscious.

“No, just staring at you”. 

“Is it a good view?”. Jaemin opens one eye, not looking particularly attractive right now, mentioning a double chin from his weird position and sleep sitting at the corner of his eyes, yet Jeno leans in. 

“You already know”. He sings with humour, lengthening the last word.

“I wanna hear it from you”. Jaemin answers with the same tone, voice cracking at some point.

They’re not perfect, albeit Jeno couldn’t ask for anything else that doesn’t sound like what he has with Jaemin right now.

Jeno gets up before Jaemin, the boy has the heaviest sleep he’s ever witnessed on anyone ever, even worse than Chenle and that says a lot of his sleeping patterns.

This time, he is the one wandering around Jaemin’s kitchen, boiling hot water and standing for something easy not requiring too much work in his unskilled hands. Jeno’s mother tried too many times to teach him how to cook, and with a bunch of steps to follow he’s not too bad, despite never writing down the recipes forgetting ingredients with time passing.

He sits at the counter, reading a recipe on the internet immediately giving up when there's too many steps to follow, not even sure there's enough food in the fridge; his cold legs are covered with a pair of blue shorts, soaking the sheepish sun covered by clouds. If he sharpens his listening skills, there are birds chirping in the morning; it's pretty late for Jeno, impressed getting out of bed after a good night of sleep.

If he thinks it better, he went to bed quite spent, alcohol dizzying his muscles. There's also something— someone fulfilling that pleasing haze, chills down his spine if he gets reminded of how Jaemin's tongue felt around and inside him.

His heart and stomach are in a fluttery churning since he woke up, stomach hurting as he thinks he’d like to have more with Jaemin, not sure how to ask that.

It's a pleasing discomfort, one that makes him clench his legs and wrinkle his nose, sighing his thoughts away.

The teakettle screams in an annoying shrill, bringing Jeno back to earth. It apparently also brings Jaemin back to life, slurring his feet on the cold floor, settling between his legs pushing them apart.

“Put a shirt on”. Complaints Jeno, head turning when Jaemin wants to kiss him, smile meeting his neck instead. “It's cold”.

Jaemin opens his palms under the fabric of Jeno’s shorts, hands circling his thighs. Jeno can't keep a stern look for long, legs crawling around Jaemin’s middle.

“I’m serious, you need to, need to–”. 

“Mh?”. Jaemin’s lips are warm, his tongue a furnace slipping to suck a strip of skin off Jeno's throat, over another hickey deepening the ill purple color.

“Need to have some decency”. Jeno recollects his reason, pushing away the dangerous boy, hopping off the counter. “Have breakfast first at least”.

“Jeno Lee”. Coos Jaemin, finding jam and small croissants Jeno overheated and called it a day. “I know you love these bad boys so much”. He gestures down his abs.

Jeno chuckles, taking a seat at the kitchen table. “First of all, disgusting”. He makes a face “You won't have forever that swimmer body of yours, stop bragging”.

Jaemin hides amusement under his cheeks, getting a spoonful of marmalade to spread on bread. He has crumbs of food at the corner of his mouth, the pastry crumbling with each bite onto the small plate under him. Jeno’s gaze stands feline, silently sipping green tea, nails lightly scratching the red tablecloth there since yesterday, through the linked gold threads sewed together into a bell shape, his nail doodling the decorative motifs.

“Aren't you eating?”.

Oh, he ended up asking it. Jeno thought he wouldn't, holding to that security so he won't have to ask, now turning nervous with his finger feeling the mug’s border. 

“No. I-”. How is supposed to ask for it? It is sudden, Jaemin is having breakfast and he just woke up. “I read somewhere, it is better to have an empty stomach or eat light if you're…”.

Jaemin looks lost, mouth half open, staring down at his fidgety hands.

“I don't know how to ask this, but I want you like yesterday”. 

“Yeah?”. Jaemin is blushing, clearing his throat and meeting his eyes again.

“Yeah, like I want you. Like, all of you. I know it's my first time and it might make you uncomfortable”.

“Now?”. Jaemin is bewildered, following Jeno when he turns around the table. “And no, I’m more than okay, how did you even come up with that?”.

Jaemin huffs a breathy laugh, flustered and cages Jeno where his spine meets the table. “Only at one condition”.

Jeno sits on the table, Jaemin helping him, opening his legs to settle there. “You need to tell me if anything, Jeno, I’m serious here, if anything makes you want to stop you tell me”. 

“I trust you”. Jeno kisses him, meets the lingering strawberry taste on his tongue, sucking languidly. “I love you”.

“I love you, Jeno”. Jaemin finds his hands under Jeno’s shorts again, feeling him up a little, rocking their clothed hips ending up discarding Jeno’s shirt somewhere in the space around them.

Jaemin’s mouth presses at his nipples, Jeno’s hands soothing pink hair, keeping the boy’s addictive mouth on him. Jaemin is flustered, he can tell from his pinking cheeks and the sigh he makes when Jeno’s hand slides down to cup his erection.

“Shit, you got me unprepared here”.

“You’re pretty like this”. Jaemin looks up, smirking at Jeno’s words, stealing a deep in lick in his mouth, both moaning at their increasing friction.

“I need to take lube, can you wait for me?”.

“On the table?”. Jeno twitches an eyebrow, hand slipping inside Jaemin’s boxers distracting him, and the boy’s middle finger gently presses at his entrance without pushing in response. Jeno makes a sound, one loud surprising them both, flushing him to the tip of his ears.

“Get this off for me, mh?”. Jaemin kisses him, pushing the band of his boxers, a quick snapping sound of it slapping back at his skin.

Jeno knows Jaemin’s parents won’t come back anytime soon and their house is isolated from accidental falling eyes and he shouldn't worry, albeit he feels self conscious stripping in the middle of the kitchen.

Jaemin’s rather hungry eyes don't seem to mind, taking Jeno’s leg around his waist, gently letting his back rest at the table’s surface. 

Jeno is too lost kissing Jaemin, twirling his tongue in his mouth to think. He wants to be this pliant with Jaemin, feels a slicked finger pushing inside his hole. It doesn't hurt, not doing much other than making him feel a small sense of fullness around him, automatically clenching in one finger.

Jaemin’s eyes are asking so many questions when Jeno opens his shut ones, smiling at him.

“Feels weird, you can move”. 

When Jaemin starts to move two fingers in, Jeno gets a slight burn, one slowly stretching him, scissoring fingers causing a lot of heavy breathing pressed at the cold table.

He can tell Jaemin is restraining himself, being careful and slow, so languidly kissing his jaw and soothing everywhere his hands can reach.

“Baby, Nana, the table is kinda getting uncomfortable”.

Jaemin bumps their noses together, missing his lips when his eyes were focused on his now third finger pushing down Jeno, curling inside him and gets a choked moan.

“Fuck, that was good”.

Jaemin smiles, creating a pace of only his fingers, never pulling them out, reaching deeper each time and starts hitting the right spot for Jeno, legs crawling up his back and pushing Jaemin down to him.

“Be patient, we’re moving to the couch soon, okay? You're being so good for me”.

Jeno melts at the praises, meeting Jaemin’s fingers with his own movements, grabbing his wrist to tell him how deep he can reach.

His moans are richer each time, saying the filthiest “Want your cock, Nana”. He opens his eyes daringly at the curses Jaemin says, an incoherent amount of “Fuck, Jeno, fuck, what was that- you're so hot”.

They do end up on the couch, mentally too far gone to think straight, under Jaemin when he’s stroking his length with lube, asking Jeno to look at him.

“Jeno, I’m clean but I also have condoms, I’ll go take them if you-”.

“Without it, do it without it. Wanna feel you”.

“What the fuck, how are you even real”.

Jeno laughs, he’s so out of breath and moaning just with one hand of Jaemin grabbing his hip. He steals Jaemin’s lips again, hand circling around his dick aligning it by himself, eyes shutting when he starts pushing the tip.

He sobs halfway, it does hurt. It's a stretch he’s not used, taking a while for Jaemin to start bottoming. Jeno is more than glad to do this with him; Jaemin who patiently kisses his cries away, strokes his throbbing erection to give him something else to focus rather than the breathless stinging.

Jeno keeps gasping, one sounding painful mixed with precum falling around Jaemin’s thumb.

“Sorry, I’m sorry baby”. Jaemin kisses his tears, rocking his hips slowly now he’s fully deepened inside.

“It's okay”. Jeno kisses his boyfriend's chin instead, face tense, difficulty to drag words that make sense. “I want this, remember?”.

He sounds a bit delirious, incoherent mumbling of Jaemin’s name when the burning gets replaced by something stronger, length hitting repeatedly waves of pleasures shaking Jeno’s thighs strongly, clenching around Jaemin he hisses.

“Relax, baby, you're tight”.

“It’s good now, I’m relaxed”. Jeno’s legs around Jaemin twitches hitting his spine, casually pushing Jaemin further and they chuckle. 

His moans are loud, his usual low voice replaced by high pitched whines he can't even recognize when they come out his throat, Jaemin’s moving of his hips is a sensual view.

And what a sight, in the middle of daylight, watching all the red spots of their skin, his turgid chest and the mild happy trail of Jaemin’s toned body, disappearing with each thrust.

He’s relaxed under the couch fabric, tensing up only when Jaemin hits the same spot leaving that amazing pressure stealing his breath, legs uncontrollably trembling with each wet snap of hips and Jeno rests his hands cupped at Jaemin’s ass, thrusting up to help him.

He gets filled up, him cum between their locked bodies, a long whine exhaling his body spent when his head hits harshly the couch, Jaemin falling on top of him. 

They're going to make a mess, but Jaemin's heavy breathing is soft, calming his hammering heart when he tries to follow the same pattern of the puffs of air at his collarbone.

“I love you”. Says suddenly Jaemin, kissing Jeno’s birthmark right under his eye. “I meant it before, and I’m not saying it because we did this''.

“I know”. Jeno grins, already feeling the warm lips never losing a chance to touch him. Not that he’s ever paid attention to it, but if they were to count all the kisses shared in less than a month they're probably more than the ones his parents had. He wonders if they were cheesy like them. “I love you too”.

Saying he loves Jaemin is quite a statement, knowing that feeling was there for longer, maybe unconsciously lingering even when Jeno was eighteen and his first thought was Jaemin when he wanted to drive someone around. Probably the nature of their relationship was meant to lead to them being covered inside bedsheets of Jaemin’s room the first day of the year, tired and tangling asleep again. 

Jeno is wrapped around a blanket in the living room, Jaemin’s sweatpants hanging loose on his hips yet he’s too tired to fix them up. The fireplaces’ heat is tempting, lulling him back to sleep. 

They kept dozing off all morning, soft mattress too tempting when there’s nothing much to do. Jaemin got in the shower right after him, a hushed downpour sound of water and fire burning two sounds gently letting his eyes be closed.

Jeno is marked everywhere, keeps blushing on his own. If Jaemin was already all over him before anything happened between them, now there’s no blatantly lingering hands he wants Jaemin to take off him, not getting tired of his sweeping kisses getting his spine arched.

Not even looking like a burrito in the blanket gives as much warmth as Jaemin does, a curious noise when he feels something dropped at his shoulder. He almost forgot about the gifts, sitting back like a normal human and listlessly taking his hands out to grab the small wrap.

Jaemin is standing behind him, concerned he might be cold in the bathrobe, already threading fingers between Jeno’s hair.

“I have to get mine”.

“Open mine first”. 

Jaemin pouts and Jeno nods laughing, hands busy unwrapping a keychain, cute graphic of a samoyed on metal.

“You said the one we saw looked like a cat, so I did my research to find an actual samoyed”.

Jeno loves it and yes, him and Renjun were also confidently siding against Jaemin just to tease the boy, although the pendant they saw in the city really was a white cat and surely not a dog. 

“It’s so pretty”. He mumbles, already thinking of grabbing his keys and clip it. Jeno always struggles to find his house keys, Jaemin notices it too whenever they spend even five entire minutes looking for them before opening the door if no one is home to get them inside.

Jaemin sits on the couch waiting for him, and Jeno, keeping the gift lovingly wrapped by Yeeun, sits in front of his boyfriend. Jaemin gives him his dazzling smile before opening the box, eyebrows raising at the jewellery.

Jeno is flustered by Jaemin’s warming cheeks, before his eyes squeezes into a heartwarming smile, keeping the small pendant between his fingers. He seems at loss of words, which is a very rare sight, glancing back at Jeno. For a moment he thinks he might not like it, or maybe it is too much and Jeno is looking like a complete fool–

“Help me wear it”. 

Jeno’s face shapes into a musy one, and maybe he’s feeling up Jaemin’s chest unecessarly too long, latching his arms around his neck focusing on hooking the necklace properly. Of course their proximity has Jaemin moving his fingertips daintily around his jaw, clean, inviting smell having Jeno shifting closer, palms sliding down Jaemin’s shoulders accidentally pulling the bathrobe down with it.

He kisses Jaemin’s neck, chin resting there and hugs the boy’s middle, silently nestling in a hug Jaemin immediately reciprocates.

“Do you like it?”.

“I love it, Jeno”.

Their week alone passes in a blink, turning back to a reality made of books and exams, library visits in the city. Maybe Jaemin’s parents when they come back tease them for their honeymoon state, looking like obvious lovebirds all pressed together in every space despite being wide or narrow, signs of lips where friends shouldn't have. Jeno also knows his mother might have said something, Jaemin’s parents always been very open minded, he’s sure Jaemin didn’t even care to have them find out from someone else.

Soomin sulks a little, pulling Jeno into a hug with her motherly way he likes so much, swinging them in the kitchen.

“You already feel like a second son, you were this little”. She gestures with her palm how short Jeno was “When I met you, welcome to our family sweetie”.

Mothers are a blessing, with their irreplaceable gentleness they use to hide a strength Jeno admires so much. He feels it in Soomin’s embrace, tight as if she never wants to let go of him, sees it in his mother’s on the rare occasion they hug.

“I would have told you sooner if I knew”. She glares over Jaemin, hearing him chuckle and whisper a funny apologetic. “Sorry!”.

Jeno manages to keep that cheery shadow behind him, suddenly realizing nothing really changed. It’s very small, when he gets an inkling of that familiar lump again.

It really happens over nothing, Jeno just finished writing his notes when the printer's ink finishes, makes a weird sound rumpling the paper withdrawing back abruptly, blocking the machine. He has only three days before the exam date he signed for, and really needs notes on paper because his eyes hurt from all the hours spent in front of his computer screen and the printer keeps making odd noises and he thinks it might be broken. 

It started malfunctioning already two months ago, it was about to happen, he just didn’t expect the moment to be when he needs his notes the most.

Jeno fumbles with the printer to take it out, unusual irritability growing, sighing nervously at a long and higher trail of ‘no no no, not now’ as he tries getting the paper out, breaking it and some smaller pieces get stuck in there, blocking the printer. It catches Jaemin’s attention, who’s studying with him the whole evening, glancing up from his notes.

Jeno doesn’t know why he’s crying, overly emotional to something he usually deals with calmly, hands trembling with stress punching strongly the printer, sobbing his tense body with hot tears streaming down his face.

“Hey, hey, what’s going on?”. 

Jaemin takes Jeno’s hands in his, stopping him from another painful hit of knuckles against the hard plastic, soothing the reddened hands, a small cut opening the skin. He sinks his nose at Jeno’s wet cheek, hugging him from behind.

“We can print it at mine, don’t worry”.

“I’m stressed”.

“I know baby, please don’t hurt yourself. We can fix this”.

Jeno trusts Jaemin, focusing on taking deep breaths; he knows it’s not a big deal, nothing he should get this dramatic for, his sensibility uncalled for. It unsettles him, sticking at his skin for long and now it found its way to thread inside Jeno’s skin, not able to tell Jaemin.

He starts feeling guilty; for his endless patience, for being strong while Jeno doesn’t even realize he’s slowly falling apart. Call him dramatic, that’s how it gets, latching at a lover when contact and touch is the only emotion that still feels real, breaks that empty monotone clutching his chest.

Another night where Jaemin is sleepy in his bed, Jeno is too scared to voice out his worries, to let Jaemin know about the restlessness keeping him from relaxing next to him. He threads a hand down Jaemin’s pants instead, with needy kisses down his neck.

“Jeno, your parents are downstairs”. Jaemin says, reeling in a breath when Jeno’s hand moves. He gets an arm around his waist, like a weak warning, not holding back when Jeno straddles his legs.

“I’ll be quiet”. Jeno says, earning a low groan from Jaemin, sleepiness turning into an unbelievable glare at him.

Jeno gets used to the filling that gets him to clench around Jaemin’s shaft, not taking them long before he sinks down riding his high away. Jaemin lets him be, just loosely keeping his hands around Jeno’s hips who seems to need his own pace. It’s desperate, senses how obvious it is, biting down sounds on Jaemin’s shoulder with loud bed creaks, short rushed breaths and brief loud moans when he can’t hold it back anymore.

Jaemin keeps his legs slightly bent to steady Jeno closer, busies his tongue mapping his throat, soothes his back when Jeno’s bounces get shaky around him. He’s so far from quiet, albeit the filthy slick sounds, Jaemin’s cock pounding inside him with how fast Jeno is, his lover’s tongue is everything he needs to not feel like he’s slipping away, somewhere in his mind Jeno is too scared to graze again, finding safety in physical contact.

“Better now?”. Jaemin smirks right up at Jeno’s locked face, mouth gaping. It was sudden and they didn't use a condom, Jeno always voicing how he likes it better without, staying still to avoid the upcoming mess.

Jeno is sitting on him, palm spread on his chest to stay up but his arms tremble and almost falls on Jaemin, smirk replaced with a careful look. 

Truth is, it's not better, not when instead of calming down and relaxing he grows into a jumpy tension again, his other hand tightly holding Jaemin’s. 

“Better”. He says, trying his best to smile.

Jeno is not sure what day it is, declining Jaemin’s offer to hang out with him and Renjun, and Mark’s hangout at Chenle's place as well. He’s done his first exam fairly well, preparing for another one at the end of January; has less time than the first one to be prepared, yet he’s been laying in bed all day, room darkening with winter short days.

His mother is out for some commissions during her day off, Jeno tiptoeing around the kitchen and planning to make a snack. He ends up overeating, disconnected from the chatting tv and he feels sick, distraught and guilty.

Feeling guilty is often lingering in Jeno’s stomach, one ugly tug that gives him watery eyes at the perception he has of his face puffed. It was wrong to look in the mirror right after eating with his current mental state, bloated everywhere his mind makes him be.

He feels sick, considers and actually bends at the toilet, staring at the water there. Should he thread two fingers down his throat? Jeno doesn't want to keep food he chugged down without control, is too weak to go out and run, burning it healthily.

Feeling chained down the walls of his room he drags his steps to the bed, sighing when his head hits the cushion. There's a brief ring on the phone, Jaemin texts turning the screen on.

From: Nana <3

Miss youuu ;—; 

Renjun says hi ! ^–^

wyd baby? 

Jeno is petrified, keeping his hand pillowed under his head, curling his legs up into a small ball, eyes shut.

He doesn't answer Jaemin, falling asleep quickly, grimacing with his busy head.

He wakes up feeling weight sinking down the mattress next to him, his mother's gentle hand combing his hair. They're growing quickly, dark roots ruining the light brown color that makes him look lighter in his sharp features.

He opens heavy eyelids, taking in the small frown between the woman’s eyebrows. Jeno wishes for a short moment, right when she pushes locks of hair out of his forehead, to be young again; to find rescue in his parents bed after a nightmare. 

“Hi”. She tells him, voice warm. “Did you take Neve out? When I came back she ran to the garden so fast”.

Jeno shoots up fast, dizzy with wide eyes. “No, sorry, I- I fell asleep”.

He sighs heavily, pressured to the tip of his ears and his mother thumbs his dark circles, empathic smile soothing his son.

“It's okay, you always take good care of her. Dinner's ready, are you eating with us tonight?”.

Here's something else Jeno has been hiding from Jaemin, not wanting to falter the attention he needs for university. Jeno has been skipping meals, craving and looking for sex to escape from his mind whenever they're together, feeling dirty inside and the worst person ever for it. 

How can he explain the moments he spends like that with Jaemin are the only thing that keep him from feeling lost in the terrifying headspaces in his mind? That kissing Jaemin is like finding a hand gripping him whenever he starts falling? He can't depend on a person as he’s doing now, it will break them.

Jeno’s sure Jaemin already noticed, uncontrollable shivering whenever they're done and the skittish detaching to the other side of the bed so Jaemin won't feel his chills having nothing to do with excitement or the afterglow they used to have, where Jeno wasn't afraid of resting to Jaemin’s chest. 

Jaemin doesn’t deserve an unhealthy relationship, doesn't deserve him. He thought it from the start, sometimes a more positive Jeno was able to get them where they are now, before it started wobbling into this mess he can't control anymore.

“I’m not hungry”. 

Lies. He feels his stomach burning with hunger, sleeping must have consumed a big part of the food binge. He’s tired of lying, too ashamed telling his mother he can't control his eating, swinging between two extremes.

“At least come down with us? Please, Jen, I never see you eating”.

And if there's another weakness after Jaemin that Jeno has, his mother sure is one.

As everything Jeno bottles up inside, also the burden weightening him down blows up one late evening. 

It starts when Jaemin stops him from shifting down between his legs, hooking hands under his armpits bringing him at a face level. Jeno gives him a look, kissing Jaemin’s slightly raised head down to the mattress, feeling the boy’s fingers around his face.

“Jeno we can't keep going like this. You're not happy”.

Jeno’s patience is thin, not even Jaemin is able to tame it down, a loud huff when he can't lean and kiss the boy again.

“I’m fine, let me keep going”.

The hand Jeno plans to slide Jaemin’s chest gets blocked by him again, staring straight at the other for a moment too long.

“Please, Jaemin, this is the only good thing I can do for you right now”.

“That's not true Jeno!”.

He jumps at Jaemin’s loud voice, stern and exasperated. It really clicks on how much this is also affecting him. Jaemin, with eyes mixed with sadness and anger, shaking Jeno’s shoulder firmly between his palms.

“Listen, I love when you want me like this, but you're not enjoying it, I don’t care about doing anything if it clearly makes you unhappy”. He sounds an ounce softer, Jeno can’t hold his brown eyes swimming in sincerity. “It's been going for a while now”.

He’s dumb for hoping Jaemin won't notice, the boy understanding him better than anyone else, who takes care of Jeno, even when being around him is frustrating .

“I’m sorry”. He whispers so lowly he’s not sure he actually speaks.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, I can tell there's something that is consuming you. What is it, Jeno? Is there anything I can do to help you?”.

“I don't know”. Jeno breaks, angry at himself for crying again, sure he could crumble if Jaemin isn't there to pick him up, bringing him down to his chest and letting those ugly tears fall again, another time in a weakness he can't stand anymore. 

During the night’s silence and Jaemin being obviously pretending to sleep as he checks on Jeno, he finds the tiniest sparkle of bravery.

“I’m not doing well, I can't do this anymore”.

“You mean us?”.

“No”. Jeno turns, immediately cupping Jaemin’s cheek. “I mean being alive”.

When Jaemin goes home the next morning he’s clearly reluctant, Jeno can feel how careful they are with each other. He ended up not explaining a thing, delaying a conversation he needs. At the same time, Jeno never wanted to hand him all his trouble, trying to keep it together for as long as he could. 

He said something strong yesterday, one that scared Jaemin, now clinging in his arms pressing carefully at every inch of skin he can right in front of Jeno’s door. He feels Jaemin’s hand closing a fist around his shirt, tight contrasting the tender long kiss at his jaw.

“If anything happens call me, please Jeno, don't do anything stupid”. 

His voice breaks, and oh it does hurt Jeno. That was his biggest fear, drifting Jaemin into this.

“Are you sure you don't want to come with my mother and I? I think you should”.

“Jaemin, I promise I’ll call you if I feel lonely”.

“Promise?”. Jaemin’s eyes are scared, that warm brown trembling as he stares at Jeno.

“I promise”. He pecks him, gaining an odd positivity, trying to keep his words truthfully once he’s alone in his home again.

He bites the bullet, focusing at the best his troubled head can to the upcoming exam, counting on a hand holding him or Jaemin just being around his space. Making sure he eats, to the point where one evening he fell asleep distraught on the couch and he brought Neve out for him.

He’s never overbearing, cutely pushing Jeno’s glasses up his nose, already with an open palm when Jeno starts sighing at his books. 

Sometimes Jeno thinks he must have saved a country in his previous life, there's really no other explanation for Jaemin keeping around him so willingly. 

It's the day before another exam, halfway through January, Jeno keeps reading the same line in his notes all over again. He’s sure he’ll fail, already tense at the idea of oral exams, not too good talking right in front of his professors; he likes writing instead.

“I’m sorry, I must be such a pain to deal with”.

Jaemin gets up, shifts them so Jeno can sit on his lap in the living room’s chair, getting his memorized warm palms at his sides, leans in to kiss him. 

“I love you, put it in that mind of yours”. Jaemin smiles, Jeno sure he looks sadder recently, can’t see the beautiful glint he adores so much, heavy with the awareness of being the one stealing all of Jaemin’s dazzle. “You’re not alone, you’ll overcome this thing you have right now, that we can’t still put a name on. None of my feelings for you are changing, I love you and I’ll stay right here”.

Jeno keeps it together, not even surprised when his eyes are wet, taking a long break inside Jaemin’s arms.

The peak of this turbulent months get as soon as Jeno gets out of the exam room, legs still trembling and a heavy lump to gulp down thinking about his professor’s words. He knew this was coming, but hearing the man saying he failed and had to try again at another plea gets him in shambles.

Jeno says nothing, dead silent, biting his lip so strongly during the car ride he starts bleeding. Of course Jaemin’s hand is closing around Jeno’s one at the gear, knowing whatever happened is not positive, it’s not like Jeno has to talk.

Jeno is afraid if he talks then he’ll start crying again, fed up with his recent weakness at everything unfolding ahead of him. He heavily gets on the bed, face hidden in the cushion, Jaemin following him. Silence, that damn space giver, Jaemin feeling the closest star to him, if only stars weren’t light years apart.  
“Want me to leave you alone?”. Whispers Jaemin, Jeno blindly grabbing his hand, gently soothing his palms. 

“I love you, I don’t think I’m making an effort to prove it to you”.

“I know you do”. Jaemin kisses his nape, strokes his back, making Jeno’s eyelids heavier until he collapses in deep sleep.

When Jeno wakes up, is in the pitch dark of his room, voidly reaching an arm to the right because Jaemin isn’t laying next to him. He blinks his eyes a few times, adjusting to the lack of light, hears muffled noises from downstairs and sees lights switched on from the living room, his parents must be home. 

Jeno starts climbing down the stairs with socked feet, clothes he wore to go out smelling of sleep, moving quietly and sore with fatigue. He stops right before he can be in sight, listening awfully to what he can now tell are sobs, weak crying of Jaemin inside Jeno’s mother’s arms. 

He’s been so selfish, only thinking about his small world crumbling, not actually caring about where this is leading Jaemin and he’s not sure what that makes him. Jaemin always tells him to not worry, that he can overcome his troubling situation, now falling apart when Jeno isn’t looking.

This is the first time he sees Jaemin cry since he was fourteen. It was during a swimming competition at his school, to which Jeno attended since it was on sport’s day and he also had to run later. 

Jaemin used to be so competitive when he was younger, crying when his timing and placing in the competition didn’t satisfy him enough. Jeno back then thought he was ridiculous, crocodile tears over a sport, although he remembers feeling awkward because their friendship wasn’t too good to give him the confidence and reach Jaemin to comfort him.

Now it hurts, unsure if he should come down and hug him, or maybe Jaemin needs some motherly arms around him. He’s distraught; of feeling nothing, then having so much taking his breath away he wants to scream for help, tired of living in fear.

He gets back in his room in a rational flash, abruptly opening the window pushing his sleeping pills on the floor, breathing in some fresh air and disappears in the shower, bathroom mindlessly locked out of habit. Jeno doesn’t realize time passing, still in his bathrobe and sitting at the closed toilet, scrolling through sites and clinics in town-

“Jeno?”. 

He raises up his head from the phone, taking too long to register the louder knocks at the door.

“Jeno are you there?”.

Jeno gets up to open the door, revealing a distressed Jaemin. He looks like a mess; eyes red, disheveled hair of a pink fading into blonde, relief washing out the clear fear in his features.

“Sorry, I thought– you’re in here for so long”.

Jeno hugs him, bringing the boy’s head to his shoulder, pushing softly at his nape. Jaemin is dealing with so much, can’t help the needy kiss when his tongue slips inside his mouth, slow and putting in all his apologies, hands framing his face.

He fixes Jaemin’s hair, combs with his fingers some locks behind, his wet hand sweeping them back. Jaemin leans at the attention, closing his tired eyes.

“You deserve someone that can love you deeply, Jaemin”.

Jeno predicts the way Jaemin’s eyes immediately open in the same old stern whenever he says something degrading for his taste.

“Jeno, this is a hard time for you, but how many times do I have–”.

“I want to be that someone”. Jeno stops him before he can nag, his own words breaking the first sincere smile he can remember since the first days of the year. It startles Jaemin, face leaning back to have a better look at Jeno. “I want us to be happy”.

Jeno looks down, intertwining their hands bending them between their chests. “I was taking a long time here looking for some good clinics in town, I’d like to book an appointment”.

Jaemin’s eyes soften, so mellow Jeno finds himself following them, foreheads bumping together. 

“You’re so brave”.

“You deserve a healthy relationship Nana, I’m willing to work on it”.

Jeno is jittering on the colorful plastic chair, continuously checking the time. Still ten minutes and the doctors should call his name. His father is keeping an arm around his shoulders, eyes scanning the plain and long white corridor full of different clinical advertisements. 

He’s waiting for his first visit at a psychiatric clinic, the best one of the city, after a preceding call where Jeno and his mother explained the head of the psychiatry department his situation, the doctor letting him skip a great waitlist part, wanting to intervene before it could get worse for him.

Seeing how seriously his case was taken even after a phone call, Jeno realizes he may underestimate what he is going through.  
Jaemin can’t be there with him, nor in the room– his father as well, Jeno is of age and possesses the attorney-client privilege. His boyfriend is currently busy attending a written exam, whining a whole lot for not accompanying him.

Jaemin doesn’t realize how much he’s done for Jeno, he isn’t mad or anything and wishes he will focus well on his exam without worrying about him.

“Jeno Lee”.

He looks up to a young doctor, pretty smile and dark hair, slim in the white gown. He turns out to be Dr. Kim, recently started working there and is the right shoulder of the department’s head, Taeyong Lee. Sits behind a computer, Jeno across from them at the desk gives the two doctors basic information they already know, serving to make him accommodate in the small office smelling of any clinic smell, compiling the file to create his medical record.

In the next half an hour Jeno learns more about himself, more of everything that has been troubling his mind, in a professional optic.

The first notion, truly realizing he neglected his emotions, is getting diagnosed with depression. Jeno tries to be honest, telling the doctors he’s never experienced anything similar in his life and is rather misinformed, not considering his own emotions valid. 

He tells them how he managed to be active through most of the year, worsening in the latest months. They ask him any kind of questions, awakening all the ringing bells in his mind.

Jeno registers how unhealthy and messy his eating has been, how the abnormal sleep he had was already serious enough to seek advice, his mood swings and the overly emotional state he’s still facing belonging to depression they list down for Jeno, trying to inform him about some of the most common signs.

They also ask him about Jeno’s social life, friendships, love. Jeno admits he recently had difficulty meeting up with his friends, there is only one person he always wanted to stay.

“I have a, uhm, boyfriend”. 

Jeno carefully eyes Doyoung typing quickly the keyboard, corner of his lips up in a smile; Taeyong does as well, rolling a pen in his hand.

“That’s great, how is it going with him?”.

“I’m giving him a lot of trouble”. Jeno sighs, raising his shoulders sheepishly. “Jaemin, that’s his name, he’s been acting so strong for both of us but I know he’s hurting. I want to get better for my own health, albeit him and what we have is a great motivation to actually make steps to get better”.

Taeyong looks fond before he speaks “Good, this is good Jeno. I like how you said you want to get better for yourself first, having a companion that encourages you is great news, but if your main goal is to heal yourself first we’re already making big steps”.

Doyoung looks up from the screen, pressing his lips together. “Jeno, since you mentioned an important relationship we have to ask you some specific questions for our diagnosis, of course you’re free to not answer, it helps us better to have a general picture. I’d still like to remind you everything you say won’t leave these walls and won’t reach your parents if you don’t want to”.

Jeno understands, he’s already gotten various questions about his family. If his parents or someone close to his bloodline had/has depression or anxiety disorders, questions targeted to understand if there’s any abuses or micro aggressions in his home that might have caused trauma or triggered what Jeno has. Of course he denied everything, he always lived a good life, and had nothing to complain.

“It’s okay”.

“You should know depressive episodes might lead to hypersexuality, to release trauma and stressful behaviours. Do you think you faced any kind of similar instants?”.

“Is it possible to keep this private, right?”. Jeno fumbles with his fingers, noticing Taeyong’s gaze following his movements, leg bouncing nervously. “It’s not like I’m uncomfortable sharing this with my parents, I just feel very ashamed. Jaemin and I already had a conversation about it, he noticed something was off”.

“Did he engage the conversation first?”. 

“Yeah, it was going on for a while”. Jeno feels his ears pink, somehow trusting the lenient eyes of the two doctors. “I was about to, yeah, try to have sex with him very often so he said that I wasn’t looking happy anymore. I might have done it to find relief in him and distract myself, but at some point I thought that was the only good thing I could do for him, to pleasure him since everything else about me was, is, off. We have been friends since we were six, an on and off friendship that got stronger last year. Jaemin already knew about my troubled sleep, even before dating he slept with me and I woke him up so many times, we thought it was only some normal stress all students have. Then I started binge eating or not eating at all, sleeping too much and crying, Jaemin saw me crying almost everyday”.

Jeno folds his arms, protecting himself from his own mind, the one that treated him so poorly. “I think I’m realizing right now how bad I’ve been feeling”.

“Thank you Jeno, we’re positive you’re going to heal fast and well. You’re already doing so much, I think we should schedule some days you’re not too busy with university. You said you’re in med school? You found the right people to understand your student life”.

Jeno smiles at Taeyong, Doyoung chuckling too, still typing fast and Jeno wonders if he’s writing down all his words or the file will turn into a very medical terminology probably even Jeno won’t be able to read, let alone his parents.

He’s going to follow a daily medical therapy, with antidepressants for his depressive and anxiety episodes and sleeping pills for the troubled resting; also he has three meetings a week with Dr. Kim and Dr. Lee. They’ll keep track of therapy’s results and discuss further everything that makes Jeno him, lucky enough he felt safe with the doctors. 

Everything is written in a paper they hand Jeno, leading to the nearest pharmacy to get what he needs. He gets warned specifically that the antidepressants take a while to kick in the system, starting with a half pill, albeit Jeno feels lighter when he gets out of the clinic, making small steps to be better.

His phone was turned off till that moment, starting buzzing with messages, Jaemin’s name all over his lockscreen.

From: Nana <3

hi babyyy

i’m done !!!!

i wanted to be over quickly bc i wanna  
know how the appointment went ^__^ 

Jeno bites back a smile, typing with his– papers and pharmacies, busy hands. 

To: Nana <3

whyyy

u had to focus on ur exam  
not on me T––T

From: Nana <3

i did !!!!

while thinking (read: daydream)  
about my boyfriend !!!

that i love sm !!!

Jeno sends back a ridiculous cat emoji with heart eyes, calling Jaemin when he and his father get inside the car, talking about everything the doctors said for both men keeping the phone on speaker mode.

His life slowly takes a pattern again. One made of morning and night pills reminders, from his parents, his phone and Jaemin; it is hard to memorize it at first, but Jeno does see the change.

Sleeping pills are miraculous, working after the first week. He’s never slept so soundly, smashed often in Jaemin’s arms, tonight on the couch even before they could head to bed.

It might also be for the antidepressants, making him loopy and dizzy often, despite not bothering him too much, he does feel better, it shuts off everything that is gloomy. 

He gets more comfortable around his doctors, today there’s only Doyoung with him, Taeyong busy with a seminar. They’re in another room, having to also check Jeno physically, keep track of how the pills' side effects, which are tackling Jeno down in matters of physical energy. 

First thing Doyoung suggests, is to take his sleeping pills earlier than he’ll go to sleep, and only if he’s planning to sleep at a decent time, when Jeno tells him he has a hard time studying at night if he takes them. He should still have a regular daily dose and not skip them, encouraging him to avoid procrastinating in the day. It’s common sense, yet Jeno doesn’t even question it, taking over all the new facts and habits he’s picking up from therapy.

He’s making an EKG, shivering in the colder room, taking deep breaths when Doyoung asks it. Today Jeno feels serene, if he’s honest, sharing it with him. He’s on week two and they replaced half pill with one taken right in the morning and he’s adjusted to it.

His heart and blood tests are all good, receiving the results after his check up, walking out the long white corridor holding the bulking papers in his file where they always give him a copy of their talks recaps.

Jaemin is outside most visits, gleaming smile when he sees Jeno and always a peck and warm hand ready to hold his, deciding to take the train and have Jeno’s mother pick them up at the station. It’s a wiser choice, with all the loopiness and technically Jeno was suggested to not drive at least until the first month of therapy.

They have a fifteen minutes walk to the station, Jaemin presses closer, telling him the date for the second semester’s start. It's in March, and Jeno still has to catch up with his failed exam, causing him an anxiety he’s been working on during his clinic visits.

Jeno shares for the first time ever, because he’s never needed to ponder about it, he aims to be better to the point of perfectionism. It clicks thinking about how much his academic life affects his mood, how often he’s found blaming himself for not studying enough, working hard enough and that lingering awareness of being behind or less than anyone, thinking he could have done better even after getting a very good grade.

The day he says it out loud Taeyong makes an abrupt sprint of his palms to the desk, looking over Doyoung who’s typing everything down.

“There we have it”. He says, more to himself than Jeno, giving him space to think about it.

Also Doyoung tells him it is quite uncommon for a young adult like Jeno to develop these insecurities all by himself, usually there’s some trauma arising from family issues, stern parents with high expectations. They tell him the most frequent cases, his own is still valid and to work on.

Jeno shares he’s often alone, learned to rely on himself since a young age and if he has to guess a start of these feelings it would be from there. Doyoung is quite funny with his mouth slightly agape in ‘Ah’ sound, forgetting for a moment to write, busy listening to Jeno as well.

Jaemin helps him study for his exam, well, makes a perfect emotional support being kind of useless when he doesn’t understand half of the content of his book.

He’s been grimacing in different funny faces, sitting at his kitchen stool, eyebrows raised shaking his head. Jeno gets distracted by his antics, head in his palm and laughing eyes.

“My boyfriend must be a genius, where do you even start talking about this? I’d cry”.

Jaemin yawns, fumbling his hands around cutely. He must be tired, they’ve been here for three hours squeezing his brain into printed words, sight starting to cross behind the thick glasses up his nose.

“I failed the exam, remember? Not a genius”.

Jaemin scoffs, getting up to hug Jeno who’s still sitting. “You are, ah I’m so lucky, smart and handsome–”.

“Shut up”. Giggles Jeno, Jaemin’s lips all over his cheek and neck messily smooching him whenever he can under his escaping body, not noticing his parents getting back home when Jeno is caged between the boy and the fridge, menacing with a pencil pointed at his chest.

“I don’t think that will stop Jaemin”. Jokes his father, startling the two playful boys.

It’s not always as bright and giggly, doubts come back easily, especially in the nighttime. 

Tonight his sleeping pills don’t seem to work, it’s another common day where Jeno is sleeping at Jaemin’s, pajamas bigger than him and loose everywhere, back facing Jaemin who has an arm slung around his middle. Nothing out of the ordinary, them and their close warmth.

Jeno stares at the walls of his bed’s side, tracing with his finger where white varnish is slightly ruined in a small scrape.

He’s spending his days well, and that’s what haunts Jeno, fear of the recent good mood being only an illusion the pills created. This time he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath mentally telling himself ‘Jeno you can do this’, breaking the silence, sharing his gloomier thoughts.

“Nana”. He glances back, Jaemin perked up at his name being called. “Can I talk to you about something?”.

“Always, beautiful. What is it?”.

Jeno turns to face Jaemin, feeling his warm hand slipping under the shirt. He’s missed this, it’s been long since Jaemin last shared touchy fingers, not less loving to Jeno. They’re just trying to be careful, Jeno still a bit scared for the way his problems had him treat their intimate moments, he’s only shared this with his doctors yet; he’s planning to tell Jaemin, when he’ll be ready.

“I’ve been doing good recently, what if it is only thanks to the pills? I like seeing you happy, you have this bright smile and I’m finally seeing it again, also I feel more like myself recently. But it hasn’t been long since I started my therapy, it’s kind of hard to believe I’m mostly doing this by myself”.

Jaemin strokes his cheek, pecks the tip of his nose. “I’m not a doctor so I can’t tell you exactly about the pills, yet I’m sure you can’t give them all the credit. You have wonderful people helping you, you said that yourself! Also, every progress is good progress, it doesn’t matter how long it takes”.

“I can’t sleep, I keep thinking about it”.

“Should we call Dr. Kim? It’s not that late”.

Jeno pouts, snuggling closer. “He has a life out of the clinic, what if he’s– I don’t know, at a club drinking his sorrows out. I’m sure he has his problems too, or do you think he psychanalyzes himself? I always thought psychologists are in worse conditions than their patients, I’ll never be one”.

Jaemin lets a full blown laugh, giggles in Jeno’s shoulder. “Stop being funny”. He whines, but he keeps laughing and shaking his body the more he thinks about it, going on for a full minute. “On a serious note, if you’re worried about your pills, ask him for a medic view of it”.

“What if he says I’m right?”.

“I know I indulge you with everything but this time I disagree”.

Jeno makes a tiny smile, pulling Jaemin in a long kiss, darting his tongue at his bottom lips, caught by Jaemin’s twirling in his mouth. Jeno’s eyelids are heavy, breathing air against Jaemin’s cupid’s bow. 

“What was this for?”. Jaemin is smiling when he opens his eyes, heart beating faster seeing him so calm, face features serene in his smooth skin.

“You’re cute, that’s all”.

“Mh, I’m fine with the praise”.

On Monday the first thing Jeno says other than “Hello” to his doctors, sitting in the familiar chair is. “Do you think I’m actually getting better or is it only the pills’ doing?”.

Doyoung pursues his lips, sharing a knowing glance with Taeyong, slumping back in his doctor's fancy chair, all black and leather.

“You think you’re not doing better?”.

“No, I am! That’s what concerns me, is it because I’m in some kind of drugged bubble giving the illusion of me being productive and smiley and a good boyfriend or is our therapy working?”.

“What do you think?”. Asks Taeyong, looking witty and Jeno slightly narrows his eyes, trying to catch any bad news from his body language.

“I don’t think I have a clear objective view, that’s why I’m asking. Jaemin says I’m wrong”.

“And Jaemin’s right. The pills you’re taking are a supportive hand behind your back, a little push, but every improvement comes from you. If you get up in the morning and work to be productive and keep your mind in a good state, it is because of you, no pills can do that alone”.

“I wanna meet this Jaemin boy of yours, I like him”.

That answer seems to be a turning point for Jeno, slowly stopping to doubt his improvements, that alone being a bigger push than his pills. 

He joins a small hang out at Mark’s place, bringing Jaemin and Renjun to meet his odd friend group, unexpectedly witnessing the immediate bond the shorter chinese boy and Donghyuck have, over some painful bickering for basically two strangers.

Jeno passes the exam some days later, this time shaking with happiness when he gets out the room, throwing himself in Jaemin’s arms, and a betrayed Donghyuck who says he came first to wait for him outside so he should be the one receiving the hug.

Jeno knows better, aware Donghyuck was early in the city spending some special time with Renjun. Jaemin is thrilled for the two, sharing all the things Renjun says or does about his growing relationship with Jeno’s feisty friend.

He finds weird amusement at Renjun’s process of thoughts, saying he’s willing to strangle and stop that loud mouth of the other boy but wants to kiss him at the same time. Renjun’s angsty love life is entertaining, teasing more than he should the poor boy about it.

There’s one thing lasting in his thoughts, one present when that same night Jeno’s exams are over, after celebrating with dinner and soda– because he can’t have the privilege of an alcoholic toast with his pills, Jaemin is hungrily kissing him pressed at the door.

Jeno is blinded by Jaemin mingling happiness with his blooming one, can’t help kissing back with that same force, letting him lick the roof of his mouth, have hands roaming around his stomach and hips. 

He already knows they won’t go further than that, there’s a silent agreement and honestly Jeno still thinks about how it was before, when he was in a worse state. He does at the same time remember how lustful, careful and loved he felt under Jaemin and his attention, having him meeting his hips in a mindless moment, Jaemin’s noises bringing some rationality back.

If there’s something Jeno learns during the end of his third month of therapy, is to speak up when has doubts. This time the topic is too personal to share with his pretty trusted doctors, despite the little friendship he’s engaged particularly with Doyoung– the young doctor would deny if asked, Jeno insists because he knows the man has a soft spot for him.

He’s writing notes in a more legible way at the kitchen’s table, Neve warming his cold feet under the table, when he spots his mother cleaning the dishes. Jeno hesitates a moment, getting up thinking she already knows and heard him and Jaemin anyway, she won’t judge them.

“Getting tired?”. Asks with a grin when Jeno circles her thin middle, chin pressing at her shoulder. She has that fragrance Jeno used to wrinkle his nose at when he was little, actually smelling amazing once mixed with the warmth of her familiar skin. He gets a better hint of it with hair up in a short ponytail.

“Do you mind if I share something very personal”. Jeno watches her hands full of soap stopping scrubbing plates for a moment. “About Jaemin and I”.

“Sure”. She’s about to turn but Jeno hugs her closer, stopping her. “Can’t I look at my son?”. She laughs, amused by the little scene.

“Mmh no, I’m afraid I won’t be able to talk then”.

“Okay”. Another funny giggle, Jeno automatically smiling back.

“You know how with therapy, and before that I was feeling really bad so we generally avoided it, Jaemin and I got very careful to do”. He grimaces, trying to find an appropriate word. “Stuff”.

This is the woman that gave Jeno birth, the one not caring if Jeno is dating a man, carefully asking to use protection without any prejudice. She nods, one hand damp on top of Jeno’s.

“I’m starting to not be so scared about it anymore, and I’d like to have him close that way again, I just don’t know where he stands with it”.

“Talk to him, ask him how he feels. Jaemin loves you, sweetie, I’m sure he wants you as much as you do, in every way possible”. Jeno makes an embarrassed noise, hiding his face behind her neck. “Ask him if he’s ready, build again together that trust that had you two making love the first time. I see you’re opening up more with us Jeno, that’s good. Do it with Jaemin as well, he’s the one that’s got to know you in a way I can’t as your mother”.

“I needed this, some wise words”. Jeno bites his lip, squeezing his eyes. “Thank you mom”.

Their second semester starts to kick in, Jeno finally gets back to his beloved car, driving him and Jaemin home after classes. Luck takes them again, their timetables match.

Jeno stops in front of the Na’s house, samoyed keychain dangling where the keys are still inside. He takes Jaemin’s hand, curling his fingers softly in a tight hold, pink hair turned completely blonde turning to smile at him. He recently got them bleached again, erasing the pink away and Jeno still gets confused whenever he sees him the next day, finding Jaemin plenty desirable.

He makes sure to tell him all the time, stealing gracious laughs from the boy, smirking and kissing him whenever he gets the chance. His mother’s words always come back and bite; Jeno sees their relationship building stronger, facing and overcoming something so big and troubling, bringing Jeno not having anything he can hide from Jaemin. He doesn’t need to.

There’s not enough I love you’s to compensate for how much care and affection Jaemin shows by never leaving his side, at times where Jeno would. He understands why he doesn’t leave, Jeno would do the same for Jaemin, harbors the same fondness and devotion. 

“You’re staring”. Jaemin says slyly, wiggling his eyebrows. “Am I that hot?”.

“Yes”. Jeno blurts out, biting back a smile when it flusters Jaemin.

“I actually don’t wanna go home, can I come at yours?”.

Jeno has many things to do, yet he accepts because he can’t say no to Jaemin Na, that one’s a known fact. He needs to print a document for his appointments at the clinic, shower because he’s going to get all checked up by Doyoung with needles and sticky electrodes in the early evening, maybe sleep not too late and read a book for one of his classes.

Instead he’s laying in bed, under Jaemin who keeps kissing him, hands not roaming as he did before, just softly drawing circles on his chest, other hand sliding his thigh until it circles around his waist. They’re close, they could be closer, alone in the quiet house.

“Are you afraid of touching me after all that happened?”.

Jeno says and Jaemin shoots his head up from where it was at the crook of his neck, blinking at him.

“I’m not afraid”. Jaemin sighs, thumb tracing Jeno’s eyebrow. “Just more careful, I don’t want you, us, to have any bad memories”.

“We always talk about me. I wanna know, you can be sincere, it won’t hurt me because you don’t have to please me all the time, even if I know you like it”. Jaemin gives him a guilty pout, eyes sparkling when they lock. He’s beautiful, with his long lashes adoring Jeno and staring at him like no one else ever did in his life.

“I’m ready, but I won’t do anything if you aren’t, I can take it slow for you, anything Nana. You did so much for me and I wanna give it back. We can start by keeping this thing that we have, it’s the most special I’ve ever had”.

“Do you have an idea of how much I love you, Jeno?”.

Jeno smiles, this time if his eyes are prickling with tears it’s from happiness, stretching a palm around Jaemin’s chest, where his heart is. His beautiful kind heart beating fluttery, incoherently, alive under Jeno’s fingers, is the best thing he can hear.

“I have an idea. Sounds the same as I do”.

As he did a countless amount of times, it is easy melting in that cheery smile, easy to believe everything will be fine if he can keep kissing Jaemin, sharing his days with him. His flaring love has to wait, duties calling such as showering and not stink around his doctors, noticing they also do keep track of Jeno’s hygiene in the files.

Not wanting to disappoint his impeccable checks in the ‘perfect hygiene conditions’ Jeno gets up, slipping from Jaemin open arms, turning deceived of the cuddling he was soaking.

Jeno leaves the door open, and isn't surprised looking at Jaemin following in the mirror’s reflection, standing behind and unbuttoning his shirt for him. Jeno looks at them, sees and feels Jaemin kissing his neck stripping his clothes off, sucks in a breath at the mild touches down his abdomen.

“Need a shower too?”. He teasingly asks and laughs, turning to discard Jaemin’s shirt, blonde hair giving an even more dazzling look at his perfect features.

“Need you”.

Jeno hesitates soaking his head and body in the shower, afraid one of them would bolt at something they really haven’t done in a long time, realizing the only slightly displeasing thing he gets is the cold shower walls trapped under his back, turning convenient soon– Jaemin and the water boiling hot up his shoulders, his chest, his lips, everywhere.

The water’s sound makes him free to get noisy, Jaemin leaving marks everywhere, now focused on his left hip, Jeno’s body moving to his own accord, Jaemin wrapping a hand at his base distracting the nipping his skin feels between the boy’s teeth.

Jeno wants Jaemin’s lips back on his, cupping his cheek to get his attention, guiding him up again. There’s no time to rush, and if his ecological heart hurts for the water’s waste they can gladly continue in his bed. He holds Jaemin’s hand, wraps two fingers and has them in his mouth, staring at Jaemin as he moves his tongue around, purposely slicking them with saliva.

Jaemin takes the hint, but looks one more time to make sure he got it, Jeno nods for him. He knows it burns, the slow thrusting of Jaemin’s fingers inside him, rocking hips to adjust quicker. Jeno is luckily distracted, kissing Jaemin’s neck, pressing in small circles the tense muscles of his shoulders, always adoring the relaxed slouch he makes leaning closer.

Jeno’s head is thrown back hitting the wall when Jaemin curls his fingers just at the right spot, sounding guttural shaking both of them. 

“Careful”. Jaemin briefly keeps his palm around Jeno’s hand to rescue his mindless beating against the wall whenever he does something good for him, renouncing at keeping his leg firmly around his waist to protect him.

Jeno tries to kiss him, finding Jaemin’s chin instead, smiling in his sultry gaze, having eyes rolling back from time to time.

Jaemin catches his slippery lips, kisses as wet as the water falling into their joined bodies, getting lost into the hot haze they forget what they were doing, Jaemin pulling his fingers out to keep Jeno closer, kiss him better.

“I missed you so much”. Jeno says, smitten when he pecks his cheek.

“I’ve always been here”.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t”.

Jaemin makes a face, one full of fondness and a distant spectrum of something they only know. Love is falling asleep on Jaemin after their shower, the certainty of wanting to belong together, no matter how demanding it can be.

Jeno doesn’t miss Doyoung’s loud click of his tongue when he takes his shirt off for the EKG the next day. What makes it worse is Jaemin waiting right outside the corridor, meaning they’ll meet later for sure.

His chest is covered in shamelessly purple spots, Jaemin’s lips a little too greedy during their evening, nervously glancing at Taeyong who’s fixing the little machine buttons as Doyoung sticks the pads on him for the wires.

Somehow when Taeyong takes a double look, Jeno feels like he’s disappointed a strict parent, timid and moving his arms to cover himself if it isn’t for Doyoung bringing them back to place. “Still”.

Taeyong at some point, between the same routine of ordering his breathing pace, as he plainly looks at the machine writing his heartbeat like any other day says. “Dr. Kim, I guess we can add recovered sexual activity in Jeno’s file”.

“Taeyong!”. Says Jeno bewildered.

“It’s Dr. Lee for you”. Taeyong smirks a laugh down, Doyoung with a fist in front of his hand clearing a fake stuffy throat. 

Jeno would like to say something along the lines of 'Dr. Lee my ass’ when he sees his brown head following him and Doyoung at the corridor’s end, sure to have a glimpse of his infamous boyfriend waiting for him.

Jaemin stands up, happy and kind smiles at the two doctors, Jeno immediately holding his hand, maybe looking for safety after the madness in the clinic’s room.

“This is Jaemin”. 

“Nice to meet you!”. 

Jaemin looks shy under the oldest' eyes, backing up pressed to Jeno. He relaxes soon, Taeyong has that soothing energy Jeno feeds off gladly, and his small back and forth of– impressively still professional sass with Doyoung is entertaining, to say the least.

He understands Jaemin’s small awkwardness when they’re alone in his car, making the most absurd statement in a question form.

“Did you know your doctors sleep together?”.

Jeno takes a bunch of minutes to recover from the shock, eyes wide at Jaemin explaining he saw them kissing discreetly the day Jeno was getting blood tests and he was waiting outside the hospital. He recognized them because he thought they were cute, also they’re a young gay couple of good looking men, they’re easy to memorize as a pair.

“They look good together”. He concludes, sipping the soda he took from a vending machine in his waiting. Patiently waiting everyday for Jeno’s visits to be over.

“They do”.

Jeno can’t wait for his next visit, the new discovery exciting him a little, pecking Jaemin before getting inside the same small room smelling of medicine. Maybe he’s too comfortable in it, got a bit too personal when his improved mood reduced their visits to mainly talks about his pills’ therapy and how it is affecting in forms of headaches, dizziness, hunger; Jeno also doesn’t have much else to say other than “I’m doing good”. He sometimes overshares details of his day, it’s never nothing concerning, being good for him.

And he really is doing well, holding up just fine and truly believing it’s not the medicine he takes making him glow recently. They also stopped prescribing him sleeping pills for anxiety, growing a liking for sleep Jaemin and his mother make fun for his snoring when he’s dozing off good, usually as they watch movies so he’s an easier target to their playful mocks of him.

“Taeyong is your boyfriend”. He says, with a smug when Doyoung is really caught by surprise, sitting at his reclinable chair.

“That obvious?”.

“Honestly, no, only obvious if Jaemin saw you two smooching some time ago. He recognized you two yesterday, and now that I think about it you two are a little suspicious".

“Chatty today, aren’t we?”. Chuckles Doyoung, pen signing some papers.

“Just curious, do your coworkers know?”. Jeno leans in, forearms on the desk.

“Not yet”. Doyoung sighs, aware he has to talk about Jeno’s therapy, not his love life. It is also obvious he really enjoys the appointments with the young boy, and he’s the last patient for today.

“We started dating while working together, we’re close and maybe there was an unconscious attraction before that made it easy for us. Taeyong chose me for my valid work, and he’s afraid they won’t take me seriously or think he chose me for our relationship, which is not true”.

“You won’t have any trouble if some upper head finds out?”.

Doyoung furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head.

“Then screw it, if they need a witness to prove how great of a doctor you are, I'm here, living proof Dr. Kim is the only one that matters. Taeyong too”.

Jeno is satisfied, Doyoung laughing is rare, and a real treat, with his usual focused and precise face making sure every detail of Jeno’s words matter. It doesn’t last long, seeing his professionalism turning again, as a mask, not less interesting.

“I have some news for you, favorite patient”.

“Knew it”. Notes Jeno, snapping a finger at his direction.

“We had a talk with the head physicians, Taeyong and I discussing your files, and we decided to move to monthly visits. You’re doing well, it’s impressive how constant your improvement is. Of course we’ll keep your full pharmacological therapy and depending how it goes we’re going to start decreasing it. Even if once a month, the minimum therapy timing for the antidepressants you’re taking is one year, we’d still see each other often”.

Doyoung slides some papers towards Jeno, basically everything he just said in written and formal words. Jeno is quiet, pressing lips in a smile.

“You need to tell me if you’re ready, we can suggest you one of our therapists to support the pills if things can get rough, or you can call Taeyong and I and we’ll immediately book a visit for you”.

“You really think I’m getting better? Like, if I get these monthly visits I can manage fine on my own, otherwise you wouldn’t even think of it, right?”.

Doyoung scoffs in a small laugh, nodding with a growing smile. “Jeno, yes, I should be more professional but I really can’t with you. It’s amazing to see you happier every time you come here, I’m proud of you”.

“I can’t wait to tell Jaemin”. Jeno clears his throat “And my parents, of course”.

“Ah, Jaemin”. Doyoung gives him a knowing look, turning Jeno timid. “He’s a keeper, one very far gone for you”.

Jeno doesn’t care if it’s not good patient behaviour, hugging tightly Doyoung before he opens the door to lead him out the room. He signs a bunch of papers, stacking the same old copies inside his exploding folder where Jeno’s mother insists to keep and bring everything at every visit.

There’s every single summary of his mood and therapy there, Jaemin flipping through the pages when they stop at a coffee shop in town, Jeno feeling weak after the tiring day. He’s happy, although as soon as the initial excitement for the news that had him all bubbly and kissing Jaemin in the unhappiest hospital corridor died down, he found himself craving sugar before focusing on the road to bring them home for the third time that day.

“I was next to you through all of this”. Jaemin flips another page “Reading this makes me so proud of you, I can’t believe it’s been four months of coming here almost every day”.

“Trust me, I can”. Jeno chuckles. “I drove most of those days here, my wallet spent in petrol knows”.

Jaemin huffs a laugh, wrinkling his lips in a playful guilty look. “I’ll get my driving license this year, so I can bring my handsome boyfriend to beach dates”.

“You like me driving you around too much to make an effort”.

“You’re right”. 

Jaemin intertwines their fingers together exiting the coffee shop, in the same practiced way. It’s turning almost natural, following him everywhere because Jeno knows if he stays next to him he can trust to always find his way back home. A home in the palm of a new kind of familiar warm hand.

Jeno finds courage, and truce in Jaemin; knows the dazzling boy next to him wouldn’t want him to give him all that credit, aware if he says it out loud he’d receive a monologue on how strong he is and Jaemin being just a mild constant present next to him. Except it isn’t the truth, Jaemin is part of his strength, his happiness even, and there’s nothing wrong building up peace holding to what they have. 

Maybe there’s no difference saying he found all these things in him or saying Jaemin is his courage and truce. He looks at blonde locks glistening under the falling sun, orange halo in his silhouette, like the one he sees in the misty low clouds of the woods where they grew close.

He’s not sure everything will always be this good, ready to face bumpy days where he won’t be as hopeful, albeit, meeting Jaemin’s eyes right now doesn’t make him so pessimistic. 

Things can get better, Jeno will get better.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading ! <3
> 
> i wrote this because i really want to let you know depression and your mental health is valid even when you come from a loving and supportive family or generally a good life. if you ever neglected some ill thoughts because of it, just know it doesn't make your case any less important and valid. stay healthy and safe everyone! 
> 
>   
> you can also find me here: [twitter](https://twitter.com/jen26do) [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/ir02ne)
> 
> bonus:
> 
> this is how i imagine [jeno](https://twitter.com/jen26do/status/1337367793797378048) dancing as he gets stuff ready for new year's dinner with jm !


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